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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501845">Run</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosensilence/pseuds/rosensilence'>rosensilence</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Armitage Hux Has Feelings, Bitter Exes, Hand Jobs, I promise this doesn't have the same story as the TV show, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Lack of Sleep, M/M, Modern AU, Past Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren, Too many secrets, Train Rides, plenty of bad choices, they don't leave the train</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:55:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>29,524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501845</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosensilence/pseuds/rosensilence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux and Ben were college sweethearts but when life caused them to break up, they made a promise to each other. If one of them texted the other with the word 'RUN' and received the same word in reply, they'd meet up and catch the train from New York to Los Angeles. </p><p>It's eight years before either of them evokes this promise and a lot has changed in those years. Can they find a common ground and what exactly are they both running away from?</p><p>(Loosely based on the TV show 'Run' but other than stealing the premise, the story is completely different)</p><p>Art by the wonderful <a href="https://incorrect-first-order.tumblr.com/">incorrect-first-order</a></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Armitage Hux/Ben Solo, Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Kylux Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Day 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Beta read by the awesome <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfie1991/pseuds/fanfie1991">Fanfie1991</a><a></a></p><p>I researched the train route from New York to Los Angeles and although it doesn't take five constant days of travel in real life, it does in this fic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben Solo considered himself to be a fit man. He ate healthily, didn’t smoke, only drank on special occasions, and went to the gym five times a week—more if he had the time. He’d successfully completed a half-marathon four months ago and was seven weeks into a training regime so that he could complete a full marathon before his thirtieth birthday next year.</p><p>But even his powerful thighs and well-trained muscles were starting to ache from his ill-prepared and unplanned dash through New York. </p><p>Or maybe it was just stress? Yes. Ben thought it was probably the stress.</p><p>Yesterday had started badly and today had only gotten worse. Ben was used to flying across the contiguous United States at short notice due to his work and usually didn’t face any problems, but when he’d tried to book a flight from his home in Los Angeles to any airport in New York as soon as possible, everything had conspired against him. It was unbelievable how sold out planes could be when you really needed one, and it was even more unbelievable how expensive the only seat left within a 48-hour block could be. Ben had planned to buy the car of his dreams within the next three months but he'd be lucky if he could afford the Lego version after buying that ticket.</p><p>His flight had then been late. Very late. Five hours late, to be precise. Other flights to New York that were scheduled to take off after his very expensive one had departed without issue, yet his plane had remained firmly on the tarmac. Thankfully, once the plane had finally made it into the air, the flight itself was straightforward and uneventful. He only wished he could have relaxed long enough to enjoy it.</p><p>When the plane touched down in the middle of the New York morning, Ben had practically pushed his way off the plane, through the airport crowds and out into the brisk, polluted air. He may have stolen a taxi from people who had been waiting longer than him and had finally begun to relax. He had made it. He was in NY and his taxi was on its way to Penn Station.</p><p>Then, New York traffic jams had made themselves known. Ben had watched as the hands on his watch moved further than his taxi and had pulled up Google Maps on his phone. The train station was ten blocks away and his taxi wasn't moving. He could run ten blocks faster than the taxi could drive them, surely? He paid the taxi driver what he hoped was the full fare, grabbed the duffle bag he'd brought with him, and took the gamble.</p><p>He arrived at Penn Station at 11:50 am. That gave him ten minutes to buy his ticket, find his train, and board it. The friendly ticket seller seemed more concerned with telling Ben that he wouldn't make the train than she had with selling him the damn ticket, but at 11:54 am he had his ticket in hand and ran across the central concourse, looking for anything that would tell him where his train was.</p><p>Ben spotted the information he needed at 11:56 am. He ran. He ran so fast that his legs cramped and he knocked over three people, but he made it to the platform at 11:59 am. He aimed for the nearest door of the train and leaped through it, crashing into the (thankfully shut) door on the other side and ten seconds later the door he'd just dived through slid shut behind him. He'd made it. Barely.</p><p>Ben took a few deep breaths to get much-needed oxygen to his muscles and then nearly collapsed on the floor when one of his thighs seized up. He was sweaty and his heart was beating a thousand miles a minute. He couldn't meet anyone in this state, let alone—<i>him</i>.</p><p>There was a bathroom a few feet away. Train bathrooms weren't designed for men as big as Ben that also had their luggage with them, but he managed to cram himself into it. He stripped off his sweaty t-shirt, wiped himself down with some damp paper hand towels that were so rough he was pretty sure they took a layer of skin off his chest and splashed cold water onto his face. His breathing had returned to normal and a glance in the mirror showed that his face didn't look flushed anymore. His hair was a mess and there was nothing he could do about the healed but still present scar that bisected his face, but he was as presentable as he was going to get.</p><p>He put on a clean t-shirt, shoved his sweaty one into the tiny trash can in the corner, and left the bathroom.</p><p>He'd entered the train near the rear. There were only a few cars behind him and the majority in front of him. He looked behind first and saw that these were the sleeper cars that were lined with small rooms for people who wanted a bed while they spent the night on the train. <i>Shit</i>. Should he have booked one of those? Ben hadn't even considered that the train would have any. He'd been too stressed thinking about how he was going to get to New York to even consider what was going to happen after his arrival. Then again, if he'd thought about What Happens Next too much he'd never have left LA.</p><p>The cars in front were the standard type of cars you'd see on any train. Uncomfortable and ugly seating arranged around a plastic table that had questionable stains all over it. There was also a restaurant car, and although Ben was tempted to drink until he either maxed out his credit card or drank the bar dry, he wasn't quite stressed enough to do it.</p><p>Not yet, anyway.</p><p>He headed into the car in front of him. It was half-empty, and if the rest of the train was equally deserted then that would make his task of finding <i>him</i> that little bit easier. Although Ben thought, there could be a million people on this train and he'd still find the man he was looking for. He hadn't seen Hux for eight years and Ben had never had the best memory for faces, but some people left a mark that never disappeared and Armitage Hux had definitely left his mark on Ben.</p><p>Ben made his way down the aisle of the train car, his duffle bag clutched to his chest so he didn't hit anybody with it as he moved. None of the faces he saw belong to Hux. None of them had that dignified yet harsh expression that repelled anyone that didn't know Hux (and half of the people that did.) He reached the last row of the car and didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed that Hux wasn't there.</p><p>Oh well. Five more cars to check. Ben opened the door at the end of the car and headed into the next.</p><p>**</p><p>Hux stared out of the window as the train slowly pulled out of Penn Station. He'd boarded the train ten minutes ago and had spent every one of those 600 seconds fighting the urge to run off the train and go home. But that wasn't the full story, was it? He'd arrived at the station an hour ago and had been considering turning tail and leaving every second of that hour, too. Truth be told, ever since Hux had stepped out of his Manhattan apartment that morning with enough time to ensure that even the worst New York traffic wouldn't make him late, he'd been questioning his decision making.</p><p>He'd been questioning that a lot, lately.</p><p>Now the train was in motion and he had no choice but to remain—at least until the first stop in Washington. He knew this was a bad idea. Had known ever since he'd pressed send on that short, single-word text message. He hadn't expected a reply but he'd received one seconds later that simply said the same, single-word back.</p><p>
  <i>RUN</i>
</p><p>That had set the wheels in motion on a hectic 24-hours that Hux hadn't lived, but observed. Although he'd packed his own bag, bought his own train ticket, and set his own out of office messages, it felt like someone else had done it. Sending that text message and getting the reply had started a chain reaction that Hux couldn't have stopped if he'd tried.</p><p>Had he wanted to stop it, though? Sure, he'd had second thoughts all morning, but they hadn't stopped him, had they? Hux sighed. He supposed he wouldn't know if he should've stopped it or not for another five days.</p><p>The door to Hux's car opened and there he was. Ben Solo. Ben looked both the same as Hux remembered and completely different at the same time. He was still too self-consciously big for the space he occupied—this time it was the cramped aisle he was shuffling down—and that was only made worse by the added muscle Ben had packed on in the eight years since Hux had last seen him. Ben's hair was longer but looked as soft and silky as ever. The longer length suited him, Hux was dismayed to see. It hid Ben's oversized ears and framed his angular face nicely.</p><p>Hux gasped when Ben inched closer and he was able to see that face properly. The moles that Hux had so loved to trace with his fingers were still present, but they were now joined by a scar that ran from Ben's eyebrow, down his cheek and neck, and disappeared under his t-shirt. It wasn't a fresh scar as it looked well-healed, but it had certainly not been there eight years ago. </p><p>Hux briefly toyed with the idea of diving underneath the table he was sat at until Ben had shuffled past him, but his pride wouldn't allow him. Armitage Hux did not hide on a dirty train floor for anyone—not because of a stranger, a business associate, and certainly not an ex-boyfriend.</p><p>Especially not an ex-boyfriend who was only on the train because Hux had had a moment of weakness and evoked a promise they'd made to each other eight years and a lifetime ago. Part of Hux had been convinced that Ben wouldn't show. Even though Ben had said he would by texting back, Hux had still expected to be on that train alone.</p><p>But he wasn't, and Ben's big, soulful brown eyes that were just as soft and open as ever, had just found him.</p><p>Ben dropped his battered leather duffle bag onto the window seat across the table from Hux and slid into the aisle seat next to it. Hux sat by the window on his side of the table and he was glad for the extra distance.</p><p>“You made it,” Hux said. Of all of the things he could have said to Ben after seeing him for the first time in eight years, that probably ranked as the second most pathetic, he thought. The most pathetic being random noises, which Hux expected to escape his lips at any moment.</p><p>“You, too.” Before Hux could reply, Ben spoke again. “You look good.”</p><p>This was objectively true. Hux had spent extra time that morning picking out the perfect outfit that was not too casual, not too formal, and fit in all of the right places. He'd chosen a burgundy sweater, navy shirt, and dark navy jeans that hugged his ass just right. He'd taken extra care with his hair too, opting for a looser, more tousled look than the slicked back and harsh style he favored for the office. Half-way through his routine that morning, Hux had realized that he was treating getting ready for the train ride like he was preparing for a date. It had been so long since he'd had one of those that he hadn't even noticed.</p><p>Hux allowed a modest smile to cross his face. “Thank you. You look good, too.”</p><p>Ben scoffed in disbelief and looked out of the window.</p><p>Well, wasn't this reunion going swimmingly? Ben had sat at Hux's table less than a minute ago and they'd already fallen into an awkward silence. Hux didn't know what he'd expected. Neither of them had been the most social of people during their time together at college, nor any of the years they'd been together so really, he should have expected this. Eight years was a long time, after all. He'd changed immensely since the days when he'd done his thesis reading with his feet in Ben's lap. And he was pretty certain that Ben wasn't the same man that had massaged his feet as he'd studied.</p><p>“So, why did you send the text message?”</p><p>There it was. The question that Hux knew was coming but didn't want to answer. Should he tell Ben that he'd sent the text message while he was that perfect shade of drunk, where your judgment was impaired but motor functions still remained intact? Or should he tell Ben why he'd been drinking whiskey straight, no ice, directly from the decanter at 11 am in the first place?</p><p>No. Ben didn't need to know either of those things.</p><p>“No personal questions,” Hux said stiffly. </p><p>“That's not a personal question.” Ben wasn't happy with the non-answer, that much was clear. “I just want to know what led to us being on this train together.”</p><p>“Of course it's a personal question.”</p><p>“Fine,” Ben grumbled. He might have packed some muscle on and grown into his broad shoulders, but he was still a pouty child, Hux was pleased to note. “What have you been doing for the last eight years?”</p><p>“What part of 'no personal questions' do you not understand, Ben?”</p><p>“Jeezus, Hux,” Ben exclaimed, a little too loudly for Hux's taste. The couple across the aisle from them had paused their conversation because of Ben's loudness. “If we can't talk about why we're here or what we've been doing, then what is there to talk about? Global warming? How about the Yankees?”</p><p>“Now you're being facetious—“</p><p>“And you're being unreasonable, as always. You won't tell me why you reached out to me and you won't even allow questions about our lives. Why did you invite me, Hux? If you just wanted someone to ride the rails with, you should have asked one of your friends—“</p><p>Ben paused. Hux didn't trust that pause. It meant that Ben had just realized something and Hux knew he wouldn't like it. Ben's inspirational brain waves had always meant trouble for Hux and he had no reason to believe that time had altered that. </p><p>“You don't have any friends, do you? You never were good at making them.”</p><p>“You're one to talk. I had time to plan this trip and make arrangements.” He hadn't, but Ben didn't need to know that. “You're the one that dropped everything at a moment's notice just because I asked. Don't you have friends or commitments that you've run out on?”</p><p>“I know what you're doing, Hux. You've done this for as long as I've known you.”</p><p>Everything was quickly falling apart and instead of stitching it back together, Hux was attacking it with a chainsaw. “You're an expert on psychology now, are you?”</p><p>“Nope. Just an expert on you.” Hux had no answer for that. “You always push people away by accusing them of the very thing you're doing. You're accusing me of running out on commitments because that's exactly what you've done.”</p><p>Ben stood up, grabbed his duffel, and stepped into the aisle. “You haven't changed at all, have you Hux?”</p><p>Hux could continue to watch in silence as Ben lumbered down the aisle of the train car in the opposite way he'd come, or he could quickly stand-up and grab Ben's arm before he was out of reach. Call out to him, even. Apologize.</p><p>Apologies and grand gestures (or gestures of any sort, really) had never been Hux's forte so he chose to watch as Ben walked away from him, less than ten minutes after he'd first sat down.</p><p>
  <i>Wow. Ran him off in under ten minutes. That's impressive even for you, Armitage.</i>
</p><p>Hux silenced the inner critic that permanently lived in his brain—and sounded suspiciously like his father—and stared out of the window. This was already a disaster and they hadn't even left New York state yet.</p><p>**</p><p>Ben carried on walking through the train, eager to put as much space as he could between himself and Hux. He made his way through the other passenger cars until he came to the last car—well, technically the first as it was behind the engine and the furthest forward—and as he didn't want to turn back, he found an empty table and took a seat.</p><p>It was the restaurant car. Although it was lunchtime, the train was still early enough in its journey that the car was largely empty. Ben counted only seven other patrons, split into three groups, and one member of staff who was behind the bar, preparing for busier times.</p><p>Ben tried not to reflect on the disaster that had been his first conversation with Hux in eight years, but it was difficult to focus his energy on anything else. Hux had never been the easiest person to deal with and neither was he, but that had been a major factor in why they'd been so good together. They understood each other's emotions, their distaste of other people but all-consuming need to have them around, and their tendency to disbelieve and attack anything perceived as softness or kindness. Ben and Hux understood each other's failings because they were failings they shared.</p><p>When they'd first met at college, they'd instantly hated each other. Ben was an undergrad freshman that had all of his bills paid by a rich family that was just happy he was doing something with his life, even if an art degree wasn't their first choice. Hux was a stressed postgrad, working on his Ph.D. in Business and Management while having to tutor weekends as his father thought it would be “character building.” They came from different worlds but were so much alike—and that was where the trouble had started.</p><p>It was easy to pierce even the strongest armor when you knew its weak spots, and they knew each other's weaknesses because they were the same. It was easy for Hux to rile Ben with comments on how he was letting his family down because Hux felt like he was letting his father down every day of his life. It was easy for Ben to make Hux shake with rage with comments about his lack of friends because Ben didn't have any either. </p><p>But at some point during Ben's second year, they'd simply stopped antagonizing each other. Maybe they'd both become tired of the sniping or they'd just run out of new arrows to shoot at each other, but things changed. Ben still didn't know what the catalyst for it was but he was grateful that it happened. Hux went from an adversary he hated to a friend that understood him and later to a lover that always knew how to make him feel wanted and loved.</p><p>Maybe it was that little streak of naiveté that Ben had never quite managed to eradicate that had led him to believe that the Hux waiting on the train for him would be the friend, if not the lover. He hadn't expected the adversary and that failing was on him, he knew. Eight years was a long time—of course, Hux was waiting for him with his daggers drawn. Ben should have expected that and he should have prepared for it, instead of storming away within ten minutes like an overgrown child.</p><p>Not for the first time since he'd replied to Hux's text, Ben wondered what the hell he was doing.</p><p>He opened his duffle bag and pulled out his cell phone. It had been switched off since he'd arrived at LAX late yesterday evening and he switched it back on with trepidation. He nearly dropped his phone when he saw how many missed calls, voicemails, texts, and emails came through. He'd expected some, of course. He'd left a letter before leaving and he knew that would have been found by now. He just hadn't expected the notifications to total into the three figures.</p><p>The names surprised him, too. He expected Rey and Poe to try and contact him. Finn wasn't a surprise, either. He was surprised to see his mother's name pop up though. It was still only 9:30 am on the East coast and he hadn't expected Senator Organa to have caught up with news of her son's sudden vacation this early in her busy day. Then there was his father. Ben hadn't heard from his old man in what, three months?</p><p>And Luke? Ben hadn't known that Luke even had internet or phone service in his remote retreat.</p><p>The phone started ringing in his hand and Ben fumbled to reject the call. He nearly dropped the phone in his haste, but finally managed to stop the call after the third ring. The caller ID had said <i>Home</i>. Ben sighed and switched the phone to airplane mode.</p><p>“You look like you need something to drink.”</p><p>Ben was startled out of staring at his notifications by the eager voice of the bartender. She was dark-skinned and had her shockingly white hair twisted into two thick braids. She smiled at him and Ben was surprised to see that the smile seemed genuine. Strangers didn't usually smile at Ben. He was too big, too intense, too scary and he had a scar on his face that always made them believe the worst of him. The bartender—<i>bar manager Ahsoka Tano</i> he amended when he spied her name tag—didn't seem threatened by him at all.</p><p>He considered the question. It was 12:30 pm New York time and Ben knew that if he started drinking now, it wouldn't be long until he was drunk. Ben wasn't much of a drinker and although he liked to tell people it was purely because alcohol didn't fit into his diet, it was mainly due to him being a horrible drunk. Whenever Ben drank, Jack Daniels flipped a coin and the side it landed on dictated how Ben behaved. </p><p>
  <i>Heads for emotional Ben, prone to crying fits and thinking the world hates him.<br/>
Tails for angry Ben who wants to tear the world apart with his bare fists and will start with any furniture in his reach.</i>
</p><p>Ben didn't think that either of those outcomes was preferable. The last thing he needed was to cry on the young bartender's shoulder about how mean Hux had been to him, how much he missed him, and just wanted the pain to stop. And the last thing the train company needed was a drunk passenger hell-bent on destroying their restaurant car and everything in it.</p><p>“I'll just take a coffee, thanks.”</p><p>While Ahsoka made his drink, Ben reached into his duffle bag again. He didn't want to think about Hux or how terrible an idea this train ride was so he decided to take refuge in the only thing that could quiet his noisy mind. He found his headphones, sketchpad, and pen case and placed them on the table. He had some sketches he had to work on anyway, and nothing calmed his soul like seeing lines on a page develop into something so much more.</p><p>Ben spent the next few hours listening to music, sketching, and drinking from a coffee cup that never ran out.</p><p>**</p><p>Hux pulled out his personal cell phone from the front pocket of the messenger bag beside him. He quickly glanced at the screen—7:30 pm, zero notifications. It was already 7:30? Had he really spent the seven hours since Ben had walked away simply sitting here and staring out of the window? It seemed he had.</p><p>He wasn't surprised by the lack of notifications. Only a handful of people had his personal contact details and they had all been notified of his impromptu vacation. He didn't expect any of them to contact him anytime soon, other than for Christine Phasma. She was cat-sitting for him while he rode the train and when he'd dropped Millicent—the big, orange, and utterly spoiled Maine Coon—at Phasma's apartment the night before he'd barely managed to escape Phasma's interrogation.</p><p>Phasma was his only real friend and Hux loved her dearly but sometimes she treated him more like a kid brother than a friend. He was fully aware that some of his recent decisions had been—<i>inadvisable</i>, but they were his decisions and he made them with full knowledge of the consequences. </p><p>He wasn't going to ignore those consequences, either. He just needed a few days of breathing space, which was why he'd invited Ben on this train ride and had left his work phone switched off under a pile of papers and underwear in the small suitcase he'd stashed in his sleeper car earlier. Yes, he wasn't running away from consequences. He was just planning. Strategizing.</p><p>Hux almost believed the lie himself.</p><p>Hux put the phone back in his messenger bag and looked out of the window again. Now that he'd realized exactly how many hours he'd lost to staring out of the window in a trance, he couldn't return to it. His skin itched with the need to do something. Hux didn't get the opportunity to simply sit and be very often, and now he had he didn't know what to do. </p><p>He couldn't take his mind off those papers in his suitcase and what was waiting for him in New York when he returned after the train ride concluded. He couldn't take his mind off Ben, either.</p><p>He suddenly remembered that he hadn't eaten since he'd snatched a late breakfast before leaving his apartment that morning. That was nearly ten hours ago. He knew there was a restaurant car at the front of the train and that he should probably get something to eat, but the joint worries of what he was leaving behind in New York, and heading into with Ben, had tied his stomach in knots.</p><p>He never had been able to eat when he was stressed.</p><p>Hux grabbed his messenger bag and stood up. The restaurant car lay to the front of the train, but Hux instead headed to the rear. His sleeper room was back there, and although it was far too early to sleep he couldn't stay in that seat, staring out of the window for any longer.</p><p>The sleeper room was as small as he expected but the bed was far more comfortable than he had even dared to hope. His eyes fell upon the sleek black weekend suitcase he'd placed against the wall of his room earlier and he tried to ignore the papers that were stashed inside. He could almost hear them calling him. Mocking him. Why had he even brought them with him?</p><p>Hux flopped onto the bed face first and his thoughts drifted to Ben. He didn't know where Ben was. Sometime during his hours-long disassociation earlier, the train had made a brief stop in Washington. Maybe Ben had jumped off the train there. Hux wouldn't blame him if he had.</p><p>Hux didn't know how long he lay there like that, fully-clothed and with his face pressed against the slightly rough linen of the bedspread. He fell asleep at some point though and dreamed the dreamless sleep of the thoroughly exhausted.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Day 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Hux awoke the next morning, it took a few seconds for his mind to come back online. Those seconds were spent in bleary-eyed confusion. Where was he? Why did it feel like the world was moving? Had he slept in his clothes?</p><p>Finally, his brain caught up with his body and he remembered. He was on a train, somewhere between New York and LA and he was wearing his clothes because he was too much of a fuck-up to have got changed before collapsing onto his bed last night.</p><p>His head felt like he’d downed a bottle of Ireland's finest but he knew it was a hangover of the emotional kind, more so than the whiskey type. His attempt at leaving his mistakes in New York behind—<i>don’t think about the documents in your suitcase, Armitage</i>—had only resulted in making a whole new batch of mistakes with Ben Solo.</p><p>Hux tried to bury his head further into the mediocre quality linen of the bed and groaned in disgust when he found a wet patch from where he must have dribbled in his sleep. He hadn't even fully woken up yet and the morning was already a disaster.</p><p>He forced his uncooperative limbs to help him stand up. He needed to clean up, change his clothes, get breakfast, and then try to salvage something from the fiery wreckage of his life. Hux tried to think about things logically—not an easy task when your mind was still trying to count sheep.</p><p>He had two pressing problems. New York and Ben Solo. He was heading away from New York—literally—and that wasn't a problem that could be resolved in one morning. It had taken weeks to get to its current state of nuclear destruction and it would take just as long to correct it. Longer, maybe.</p><p>But the scorched earth that was Ben Solo had only occurred yesterday. Maybe the kindling had been set eight years ago, but the spark to set it alight had been lit only hours ago. Maybe Hux could do something about Ben.</p><p>Hux changed his clothes and made himself as presentable as he could while hurtling along train tracks. He hoped that Ben was still on the train and hadn't departed in Washington but knew there was nothing he could do if Ben had left. He had Ben's cell phone number of course, but he wouldn't text him again if Ben had decided to go back home.</p><p>He slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and headed down the train car towards the restaurant car. If he remembered the on-board pamphlet he'd read yesterday correctly, then it was already open for breakfast. Hux needed to think, and to think, he needed food.</p><p>Hux walked through the last passenger car before the restaurant car and stopped dead in his tracks. Ben had been a difficult person to miss when they were at college together and from their brief reintroduction earlier, Hux knew that was one thing that hadn't changed. Still, he had to look twice to convince himself that the man sitting before him, head against a glass window and snoring softly, was really Ben.</p><p>Had Ben spent the entire night out here? It looked like he had. Hux couldn't imagine that Ben's sleeping position—slouched into the corner of the seat, arms crossed against his thick chest, and long legs awkwardly folded under the table—could be comfortable enough to sleep, but apparently it was. Hux suppressed a gentle smile when he remembered all of the times a younger Ben Solo had crammed himself into chairs and spaces that weren't designed for someone of his stature, like a fully-grown Great Dane that didn't realize it wasn't a puppy anymore.</p><p>There was a sketchpad on the table in front of Ben and Hux barely resisted the urge to peek inside. There had been a time when Hux's favorite thing in the world was to watch Ben draw. Ben usually bristled with an electric energy that left him restless and constantly needing to move or do something practical. He couldn't sit with a good book the way Hux could and Hux had to practically tie Ben to the couch to get him to sit through a movie.</p><p>But when it came to drawing, Ben could concentrate for hours. Whether it was at their slightly uneven kitchen table or the tiny coffee table Ben could barely get his legs under, Ben would quietly draw until Hux pulled him away to eat, sleep, or shower. He was good at it, too. Hux loved to watch as a couple of pencil lines slowly developed into something so much more than he could ever imagine.</p><p>No. He'd lost the right to look at Ben's drawings years ago. Hux tore himself away from the sleeping Ben and continued his journey to the restaurant car. At least now, he had a plan.</p><p>***</p><p>When Ben awoke, it was to a pain in his neck, sunlight in his eyes, and the smell of bacon. The pain and the sunlight were due to falling asleep pressed against the window of the train and the bacon was due to Hux. Ben was pretty certain he was still dreaming because there was no way Hux was sitting opposite him with an offering of breakfast and coffee.</p><p>“I don't think our meeting yesterday went very well,” Hux said after Ben finally looked at him. “I brought a peace offering. Don't worry, I didn't poison it.”</p><p>Ben's laugh sounded like a sarcastic bark but he looked amused at Hux's comments. “Thanks.” He unwrapped the breakfast Hux had brought for him and whistled in appreciation at the bacon and egg bagel. “Honestly, I was expecting worse from seeing you again.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yeah. Carnage. Fire. Crying. Destruction of an apocalyptic nature.”</p><p>“Is that even possible on a train?”</p><p>Ben took a large bite from his bagel before answering. “If anyone could manage it, we could.”</p><p>“True.” It didn't take long for memories of some of their more explosive arguments to jump to the forefront of Hux's mind. “I do wish it could have gone better though.”</p><p>“Me too, Hux.”</p><p>“I thought you might have left the train when it stopped in Washington.”</p><p>Ben paused mid-bite. Was that a hint of nerves in Hux's voice? Had Hux genuinely feared that? “Why would I go to Washington? Too many politicians for my tastes.”</p><p>Was his mother currently in Washington? Ben didn't know. Although his relationship with Leia was the best it had been since he was a young kid who thought his parents hung the stars, he still tried to keep some distance there. It was safer all around.</p><p>“Washington has always been more my style, I suppose.”</p><p>Ben had always been an expert at understanding the hidden meanings in Hux's tone of voice and he definitely detected a tone of bitterness there, as if Hux's interest in politics and politicians had burned him somehow and— Ben stopped that train of thought. Hux's unvoiced comments and his secrets were no longer any of Ben's business. He no longer needed to waste his energy trying to decipher them.</p><p>Ben took a sip of his coffee and allowed his eyes to slip closed for the briefest of moments when the hot liquid smoothly slipped down his throat. It was exactly how he liked it—one sugar and with the slightest dash of milk. After all of these years, Hux had remembered how he took his coffee. That touched Ben more than it should have.</p><p>“Thank you for the breakfast,” he said again.</p><p>Hux waved away his gratitude. “I was already ordering breakfast for myself, it would have been rude not to get something for you.”</p><p>They fell silent. The passenger car was busier now, both with people passing through to the restaurant car and those simply sitting down to watch the world go by past the windows. Ben had no idea where they were—geography wasn't his strong point—and he didn't care. He was determined to ride the train until the end, regardless of what happened with Hux.</p><p>“What were you drawing?”</p><p>Ben was confused for a moment and then noticed his sketchpad was still on the table. “Something for work.”</p><p>“You draw for a living?”</p><p>“We're asking personal questions now?”</p><p>Hux's eyes narrowed in that way they always did when he thought someone was deliberately trying to antagonize him. Ben had seen that look many, many times during their relationship. It hadn't been his intention to antagonize Hux this time, not when the morning had been going so well. Now the words were out of his mouth however, he had no intention of trying to take them back.</p><p>What was the point of agreeing to this cross-country train ride together if they had to act like strangers? Ben wanted to know what had driven Hux to text '<i>RUN</i>' to him. He wanted to know why Hux looked so sad when he thought Ben wasn't looking. He wanted to know that Hux's life since their break-up had been easier than his.</p><p>Despite the passage of eight years and despite everything Ben had been through, he still cared for Hux in a way he'd never cared about anybody else.</p><p>“Later,” Hux blurted out. “All personal talk can wait until this afternoon. We're on this train for five days, there's no need to rush is there?”</p><p>“Do you mean that, Hux? This isn't just your way of delaying a conversation you never intend to have?”</p><p>“No,” Hux replied honestly. “We'll talk later. Why is this such an important point for you anyway? Neither you nor I have ever been good at talking about ourselves.”</p><p>“My ex-boyfriend evokes a promise we made eight years ago to run away together and I'm not allowed to ask why? Or what he's been doing for those last eight years? The only reason I came was to find out why you reached out to me.”</p><p>Hux looked surprised at Ben's earnest honesty but all Ben felt was exasperation. Had Hux really not considered that Ben would be interested in his life? Wasn't he interested in Ben's?</p><p>Then another thought occurred to Ben. Maybe Hux's reason for calling them both onto this train was something so horrific that he couldn't tell Ben. Couldn't tell anyone. Maybe Hux was in serious trouble and he'd reached out to Ben because— Because, what? What could Ben do to help anyone in trouble? He could barely help himself. He'd run away from his own problems and left only a hurriedly written and barely legible note behind to explain his actions.</p><p>Hux drained the dregs from his coffee cup and stared at Ben with confidence. False confidence, Ben was certain. “I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours.”</p><p>Ben grunted unhappily but acquiesced. “Later, then?”</p><p>“After lunch. I have something to take care of first.”</p><p>Ben raised an eyebrow at Hux's words but didn't press any further. He didn't need to—he'd get his answers in the afternoon. Hopefully. “I should finish this drawing.”</p><p>Hux nodded and then stood up. He picked up both of their trash from the table—always the clean one, Ben thought with a smile—and put his bag over his shoulder. “Will you stay here?”</p><p>“Here or the restaurant car,” Ben answered. If he was going to spend the morning drawing then he'd need more coffee, and Ahsoka the bartender knew how to make a decent cup of coffee.</p><p>“I'll find you.”</p><p>Once Hux had left, Ben packed up his belongings and headed to the bathroom to freshen up and change his shirt. He again cursed his lack of foresight at not booking a sleeper room as he struggled with the small space, but he was able to do what he needed with only minimal bruising of his limbs.</p><p>He decided to spend the morning in the restaurant car. Ahsoka greeted him with a welcoming smile and had a cup of coffee on the table before he'd even pulled out his sketchpad. He chose a playlist, put his headphones on, and waited for the hours to pass.</p><p>**</p><p>While Ben worked at his art, Hux lay on his back in his sleeper room and stared at the off-white ceiling. He didn't have anything to take care of unless trying to resist the urge to jump off the train and create a new life in the wilderness counted as an important task. He was simply trying to delay the inevitable and mentally prepare himself to speak to Ben about his life.</p><p>He really hadn't been thinking straight when he'd texted Ben to '<i>RUN</i>' with him. He'd been half-drunk for one—never a good state to make life-altering decisions in—and hadn't considered the full consequences of his actions. All he'd wanted was to get out of New York with someone who had once cared about him and he'd never once considered that Ben would want to know why.</p><p>Hux didn't want to trawl through the many failures of his life with Ben. He didn't want to analyze his decisions because only Ben would be able to see the true depth of the mistakes he'd made. Most people would consider Hux's life—recent issues aside—as a successful one. But Ben would see the truth.</p><p>Hux wasn't easily beaten though. He'd said that they'd answer personal questions that afternoon and he planned to honor that. That didn't mean he couldn't stack the deck so that things didn't get too personal. Hux was an expert at manipulating situations to his benefit. After all, he'd had plenty of practice.</p><p>**</p><p>“We ask one question in turn,” Hux said, his eyes darting around the half-empty restaurant car. “And to keep this on the level, you have to answer your own question as well.”</p><p>Ben sighed. This wasn't what he expected when Hux agreed they could ask personal questions. “You always have to bring rules into things.”</p><p>“I wouldn't if I trusted you to ask fair questions, Ben.”</p><p>Ben shook his head. If this was how Hux wanted to play it, then so be it. Ben just wanted answers. “To show that I've changed and grown as a person, I'll agree to your rules and even let you go first.”</p><p>Hux was surprised but refused to show it. Instead, he asked his first question. “Are you married?”</p><p>“No.” Hux raised a disbelieving eyebrow and Ben thought that was a fair reaction. He knew that he hadn't answered with his usual conviction. He looked Hux in the eye and repeated himself. “No, I'm not. I came close, once.”</p><p>Hux remained silent and simply waited for Ben to hopefully expand on his answer. He wanted to ask further questions, but that was against the rules of his own game and Hux had never been a rule breaker.</p><p>Hux's patience was soon rewarded, as he knew it would be. Ben had always wilted under Hux's patience. “The ceremony was planned, booked, and paid for. I just couldn't go through with it.” That was all Ben had to say on the matter as he threw the question back at Hux. “What about you?”</p><p>“No. Never came close, either. Your question.”</p><p>“What do you do for a living?”</p><p>“You're asking about my job, Ben? That's more boring than I was expecting from you.”</p><p>Ben shrugged his shoulders. “I'm building the anticipation.”</p><p>Hux snorted in disbelief but said no more. Instead, he addressed the question. “I took over my father's business after he died.” Hux could tell that Ben was about to say something stupid, such as offering his condolences, so he quickly stepped in. “Don't you dare say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or any other empty platitudes. You hated the bastard almost as much as I did.”</p><p>“I hoped he might have mellowed in his old age, but that was never your dad's style.”</p><p>“No, it wasn't and I don't want to talk about him anymore. Your turn.”</p><p>“Architect,” Ben said casually. He could tell that Hux was surprised and impressed by his choice of career and allowed himself to bask in it for a few moments. “A fucking good architect.”</p><p>“You always spent so much time drawing, but I never expected you to draw buildings.”</p><p>“It's one of the few uses for art that is appropriate for the son of a senator to make into a career.”</p><p>“Since when have you cared about the approval of your mother?”</p><p>“Is that your question? Remember Hux, one question each, and we both have to answer it. Do you want to waste your turn on that?”</p><p>Oh, so that's how Ben wanted to play the game, was it? Ben had always picked and chosen what rules he wanted to abide by depending on how they benefited him, and it seemed that—at least—had yet to change. “No. That's not my question.”</p><p>“Then what is it? I'm waiting.”</p><p>“Do you have any pets?”</p><p>Ben laughed so loud that the party at the next table glanced over in disgust. “And you said my question was boring? All right. No, I do not have any pets. My ex-fiancé has this dumb little dog that would roll around the house and constantly tried to attack me, but that's it. You?”</p><p>“I have a cat.”</p><p>Ben laughed again, causing yet another angry glance. “I never thought you'd be a cat person.”</p><p>“Her name is Millicent.” Hux took his phone out of his pocket and lit up the screen. He held it up for Ben to see and there she was, an orange fuzzball of a cat, beautifully posed on Hux's lock screen.</p><p>“I guess pets really do resemble their owners,” Ben said as he leaned forward to take a closer look. “She's just as ginger and crabby looking as you.”</p><p>Hux quickly pulled his phone back and slipped it into his pocket again. Ben was smirking at him and he wanted nothing more than to slap that expression from Ben's face. Ben always could get under his skin like no-one else but Hux refused to give him the satisfaction. “The next question is yours, I believe.”</p><p>“Let's get serious again,” Ben said. It made Hux feel nervous. “Is your life everything you hoped it would be?”</p><p>Hux sighed and relaxed back into his chair. “Is anyone's?”</p><p>“That's not an answer—it's a question and it's not your turn yet. I bet your life is all million-dollar deals and twenty-hour days.”</p><p>Hux paused. He wanted to be honest, but there were different levels of honesty and he didn't think Ben deserved complete honesty. Not yet. That's why he'd suggested they answer their own questions, after all. “That's not far off the mark. I do work long hours and the company has been more profitable since I took the reins. In that way, it's exactly what I expected it to be.”</p><p>“The question wasn't about what you expected your life to be, Hux. It was about what you hoped it would be.”</p><p>“I had hoped,” Hux paused, “that my life would be more fulfilling than it is. Happier. It's—“</p><p>“—lacking something,” Ben finished. “Is that why you texted me?”</p><p>“It's not your turn for a question yet,” Hux pointed out. “You need to answer your last question, first. So, Ben Solo, is your life everything you hoped it would be?”</p><p>“In some ways, yes, and in other ways, no. Although I have the Leia sanctioned career, I rarely see her. I'm able to support myself and not accept her help or the family money, which really pisses her off. I like my job. But, there's something—,” Ben paused and sighed again. “I don't know.”</p><p>“Something is lacking in your life too, otherwise you wouldn't have texted me back,” Hux surmised.</p><p>“It appears so. Your question.”</p><p>Hux thought about it for a few seconds and then asked the question that had been at the forefront of his mind since meeting Ben yesterday. “How did you get that scar on your face?”</p><p>“You can't ask that.”</p><p>“Why not? It's unlike you to be sensitive about anything.”</p><p>“It's not that,” Ben snapped, “It's because you have to answer the question too, and you don't have a scar.”</p><p>“Whether I have a scar or not is irrelevant. I can still answer a question about it.” Hux fixed Ben with his harshest stare. “I'm not changing my question, Ben. If you don't answer, then the game finishes and you can't ask me anything else.”</p><p>The expression on Ben's face clearly said that he didn't know why they had to play a game in the first place, but he always had indulged Hux's whims even when he didn't understand them.</p><p>“Fine,” Ben sighed. “I backpacked my way through the Amazonian rainforest and was attacked by a group of orangutans in my sleep.”</p><p>“Wrong continent. There aren't any orangutans in South America,” Hux replied dryly.</p><p>“Well, that's the only answer I'm willing to give right now.”</p><p>Hux shrugged his shoulders. He knew better than to push the question further and decided to let the obvious lie pass without any further comment. “Do you want me to answer the scar question too or shall we just skip to your next question?”</p><p>“Skip.”</p><p>Ben hummed theatrically as he thought of a question. Hux had never understood why Ben—usually so awkward and sometimes so shy—could be so dramatic at times. And then he'd met Ben's family. It appeared that drama was part of the Solo and Skywalker genetic code.</p><p>Finally, Ben settled on a question. “My question is, do you want to get drunk? Because I really, really do.”</p><p>Ben was a horrible drunk and Hux himself wasn't much better. Ben had never been much of a drinker but the rare occasions he had drunk were occasions Hux would rather forget. The last thing he wanted to deal with was a belligerent or emotional Ben. Trying to contain a drunk Ben in a narrow restaurant car would be like trying to wrangle an angry Tyrannosaurus rex onto a school bus.</p><p>Hux knew that getting drunk with Ben was the worst idea either of them had had since Hux had texted '<i>Run</i>' forty-eight hours earlier. And just as he had when he had his phone in his hand, Hux decided to do it anyway.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>**</p><p>A couple of hours later and Hux still knew that drinking with Ben was a mistake but he could no longer remember why. Although not drunk, the world had entered that stage where everything seemed more amusing than normal and Hux was convinced that Ben was the most hilarious person he'd ever met. Every day should be spent drinking with Ben!</p><p>When Ben had suggested a return to their earlier questions game shortly after the bartender Ahsoka had poured their third drinks of the afternoon (beer for Ben, white wine for Hux), Hux had eagerly agreed. Now they were on their fifth drinks (whiskey for Ben, gin and tonic for Hux) and they'd discovered that Hux was still unable to drive at the age of 34 and that Ben still cried at Toy Story movies at the age of 29.</p><p>It was Ben's turn to ask a question and he was starting to giggle. Hux couldn't recall ever hearing Ben giggle before, no matter how drunk he was. “When was the last time you had sex?”</p><p>Hux nearly choked on his drink. So far they'd avoided anything sexual but it wasn't really a surprise that the conversation had eventually drifted in that direction. It was even less of a surprise that it was a tipsy Ben that had steered it there. Hux could still remember the times when Ben—not quite drunk yet but getting there—had simply pounced on him and—</p><p>He blushed. A result of the alcohol, obviously.</p><p>If Hux had been completely sober, he would have been mortified that he actually had to think about the answer. Had it been that long? As it was, his blurry mind was more concentrated on actually finding the answer than the effort it took to recall it.</p><p>If he'd been completely sober, he probably wouldn't have answered, either. “Three months ago.”</p><p>It was a blind date that Phasma had talked him into. Hux hated the dating scene and Phasma knew it, but he needed a cat sitter for a business trip, and going on a date with one of Phasma's weight-lifting buddies was the payment she'd insisted on. The meal had been passable, the company bearable, and the sex had scratched an itch without rocking anyone's world. Hux—who's only success at dating had been the two years he spent with Ben—considered the night a success.</p><p>As per the rules of the game, Hux threw the question back at Ben. “When was the last time you had sex?”</p><p>Ben groaned and hunched over the table until he was able to rest his chin upon the soft tablecloth that covered it. He closed his eyes and groaned again. “I forgot that I had to answer the question, too.”</p><p>“Well you do, so spit it out.”</p><p>Ben's eyes remained closed and Hux wondered if the other man had fallen asleep. It didn't look like a comfortable position but that had never stopped Ben from sleeping in the past. Then Ben scrunched up his nose as he groaned yet again and Hux had to suppress a smile. For all of Ben's size, intensity, and frightening aura, he could still be impossibly cute sometimes. Even the scar on his face couldn't take away from that.</p><p>Hux drained his glass and signaled to Ahsoka for a refill. He was rapidly reaching his point of no return, that fine line where he changed from tipsy but still mainly in control, to drunk and falling asleep in plant pots. Hux hadn't yet decided if he wanted to cross that point or not, but he did know that as soon as his new gin and tonic was in front of him, he was going to drain half the glass in one go.</p><p>He shouldn't find Ben's petulance cute. He shouldn't find anything regarding Ben cute, not anymore. And his mind certainly shouldn't keep drifting back to those memories of a drunk Ben crawling onto his lap and kissing the breath out of his mouth.</p><p>But whenever Hux looked at Ben, all he could see was the man he'd once been in love with.</p><p>Hux's sober mind could differentiate between the past and the present, between Ben the lover, and Ben the stranger. Hux's nearly drunk mind, however, was having great difficulty doing the same. When he looked at the Ben that sat opposite him, he didn't see a stranger he hadn't seen for eight years—he saw the lover that knew him better than anyone.</p><p>He wondered if Ben was facing the same problems whenever he looked at Hux.</p><p>“It was two weeks ago,” Ben eventually replied. Before Hux could reply, Ben continued. “Were they better than me?”</p><p>Hux paused. Was it Ben's turn to ask another question? Hux remembered asking where Ben had last gone on vacation to and Ben had asked about dream vacations. Then Ben had asked the sex question—or had Hux asked that? Hux had lost track. Hux scowled at his gin and tonic. He was usually more conscientious than this.</p><p>If Ben was asking another question though, that meant it had to be Ben's turn. Yes. Hux was certain of that. But what was Ben's question again? Hux had forgotten it already.</p><p>“Can you repeat the question?”</p><p>“I said,” Ben replied, slightly slurring his words so it sounded more like he was talking about garden sheds, “that guy, girl, whatever, that you fucked three months ago. Were they better than me?”</p><p>Hux was pretty sure that was not the kind of question you asked old flames that you hadn't seen in eight years, but the alcohol in his system was louder than any sense of propriety he still had. This was Ben. <i>His</i> Ben. Ben could ask him anything—Ben already knew everything embarrassing about him. Well, Ben didn't know about the atomic fallout waiting for him in New York, but that seemed a world away.</p><p>Hux pondered the question. Phasma's friend had been experienced and attentive, with clever fingers and a mouth to match. But he wasn't Ben. Nobody in the last eight years had been Ben. “No,” Hux said finally. “Was your last partner better than me?”</p><p>This time, Ben's pause seemed to last for hours. Ben's chin was still on the table but he turned his head so he could stare out of the window. It was getting dark now and Hux could barely make out the scenery whizzing past the train. He didn't know if Ben was searching for answers outside the train, but when he finally looked at Hux again it was with eyes that looked impossibly sad and young.</p><p>“No, he wasn't,” Ben replied softly.</p><p>Hux wasn't the most spontaneous of people; that was usually Ben's forte. But occasionally, an idea would explode into existence in his mind and Hux would be powerless to stop himself from blurting it out. It usually happened when he was drunk, as it had when he'd had the genius idea of texting '<i>Run</i>' to Ben. Now he had another impossibly excellent idea involving Ben that he just had to put out into the universe and nothing, not even common sense, future embarrassment, or those tricky things called consequences, could possibly stop him.</p><p>“Do you want to have sex with me? Now? In my sleeper car?”</p><p>Ben looked stunned. His eyes widened and mouth dropped open but that was to be expected, Hux thought. Ideas as perfect as the one he'd just voiced often had that effect on other people. Ben's face had always been an open book to those that knew how to read him and Hux clearly saw when Ben's thoughts turned from surprise to understanding, and finally to acceptance.</p><p>“Fuck, yes.”</p><p>**</p><p>Hux led the way and Ben was happy to follow. Somewhere around the fourth passenger car, Ben tore his eyes away from how Hux's designer jeans framed his ass long enough to notice that Hux was reaching out to him. He took Hux's hand and allowed Hux to drag him through the remaining two cars.</p><p>Hux was eager. Hux wanted him as much as he wanted Hux. Ben could hardly believe it was true.</p><p>Alcohol often had a way of making Ben feel melancholy, of highlighting the flaws and negative thought patterns he'd worked so hard to ignore. Here he was, in the same frayed jeans he'd worn yesterday, a t-shirt so faded even he no longer knew what band it was for, and with a horrible scar bisecting his face. Then there was Hux, with his flawless skin, perfectly styled hair, and foresight to book a sleeper car.</p><p>Even at college Hux was the most put together and poised person Ben had ever met. It seemed the last eight years had done nothing to dull Hux's shine.</p><p>Hux pulled open the sliding door that led to his sleeper car and pushed Ben inside. Maybe Hux expected to talk about things first. Set some ground rules. After all, a eight-year gap between sexual encounters was a very long time. People can change a lot in eight years, as can their boundaries.</p><p>Ben, however, didn't want to talk. He didn't want to give Hux chance to rethink his excellent suggestion that they have sex, so as soon as the door slid closed behind them, Ben grabbed Hux by the stiff collar of his shirt and crushed their lips together.</p><p>There was little finesse to the kiss. No tentative testing of the waters or building up to something more passionate—they didn't need that. Eight years of absence washed down with several glasses of alcohol took over and Ben pushed Hux against the wall, keeping him in place with his larger frame while they tried to steal the breath from each other's mouths.</p><p>Hux's hand was in his hair and he remembered exactly how Ben liked his hair to be pulled. Ben would have been embarrassed by the whine that left his throat at that, but Hux was whining just as pathetically. Ben hardly noticed that his hips were grinding against Hux's as his body entered automatic mode. He didn't need to think about what he was doing—he just needed to chase the pleasure that Hux was giving him.</p><p>Ben winced in a mixture of pain and pleasure when Hux's clever fingers found his nipples through his thin t-shirt and pinched them sharply. He was just getting his breath back when he found himself flat on his back on Hux's slightly too-small bed. Ben smiled. Hux always had been an opportunist, ready and able to turn the tables and get the upper hand in any situation and that was never more evident than in the bedroom.</p><p>Hux climbed over him, his knees either side of Ben's hips and his forearms beside Ben's head. He remained like that, hovering over Ben's body without touching him, for what seemed like an eternity. Ben didn't mind though. It gave him a chance to look at Hux, to <i>really</i> look at him, for the first time. There were a few thin lines around Hux's eyes that hadn't been there before—stress and a lack of sleep were the culprits, no doubt—but Hux's eyes were still that indescribable shade of grayish-green they always had been.</p><p>Yes, Hux looked a little older, but he was still Hux. Ben had never seen anything more beautiful.</p><p>Hux must have found whatever he was looking for on Ben's face because he leaned down and kissed him. Ben wrapped his arms around Hux's back and pulled him flush against his body, hip to hip, and chest to chest. Hux was hard but so was he, and when Hux began to move his hips against Ben's, Ben slid his hands down to Hux's ass and helped guide his movements.</p><p>Ben was glad to see that Hux's ass felt just as good in his hands as it always had. Ben wondered if Hux's little nipples were still as pink and his stomach just as soft as Ben remembered, too. Did Hux's body still flush red down to his belly button after a particularly good fuck? Ben hoped to find out.</p><p>Ben was so lost in his own head and the feel of Hux's lithe body against his own that Hux had unfastened his belt and the zipper of his jeans without him even noticing. It wasn't until Hux's fingers brushed against his hard cock through only the thin material of his underwear that he realized how quickly things were progressing.</p><p>Ben wanted to take his time with Hux. He wanted to rediscover all of those sensitive spots and inadvertent noises that he had once known so well. He could spend hours taking Hux apart before putting him back together again. But not now. All of the stress of the last few weeks—<i>don't think about it, don't think about it</i>—added to the thrill of seeing Hux again, and the alcohol in his veins meant that Ben didn't have the patience to take his time.</p><p>Hopefully, that would come later.</p><p>His fingers were too uncoordinated to smoothly open Hux's jeans, but that was hardly surprising considering the earlier whiskey and the way Hux was nibbling on his ear. Fuck, he loved it when Hux tugged at his ears with his teeth, and apparently, Hux had remembered that.</p><p>Ben shoved his hand down Hux's pants and gripped his cock, causing Hux to hiss in his ear and buck his hips into his hand. Hux wasn't the only one that had remembered some old tricks as Ben was instantly rewarded with another hiss when he ran his thumb over the head of Hux's cock.</p><p>They were stroking each other now, skin to skin with no clothing in the way. It was good, but it could be better.</p><p>“Hux, let me—“ Ben gasped into Hux's mouth as Hux tried to kiss him again. “Fuck. Together. Wanna feel your cock against mine.”</p><p>Hux whispered his agreement against Ben's jaw and readjusted his position until their cocks neatly lined up and Ben was able to wrap his hand around both. Even Ben's big hands weren't big enough to fully encircle them both so Hux joined him, their combined hands joining together to work both dicks at the same time.</p><p>It felt so good to have Hux like this. Hux's body weight pressed him down into the thin mattress, his smooth palm glided along the underside of Ben's shaft, his cock rubbed so delightfully against Ben's own. It wasn't the slow and methodical taking apart of Hux that Ben had thought about, but it was what he needed.</p><p>There were no sounds in their private little haven other than for the slick sounds of skin against skin, their mingled heavy breaths, and the continuous soundtrack of a train racing through the American countryside. Ben fought the urge to close his eyes as he wanted to keep them fixed on Hux. He wanted to be fully aware that it was Hux sitting astride him, that it was Hux's cock in his hand, and that it was Hux making those soft, gasped noises.</p><p>Using his spare hand, Hux scrambled to pull up Ben's t-shirt. When Ben looked at him with confused eyes, Hux smirked and replied, “I don't want to come on your shirt.”</p><p>Ben's answering laugh turned into a groan as his own orgasm began to build. Their movements were becoming sloppy now—less rhythmic and more desperate. Ben thrust up into their combined hands as Hux thrust down and their mouths crashed together again. It was the sloppiest kiss Ben had ever had, all wayward tongues and lips that couldn't quite find their mark. But that was all right. The desperation they both felt was hotter than any perfect kiss could ever be.</p><p>Hux's hips stuttered two, three times and then he came, coating both of their hands and Ben's stomach with his release. The look of pure, happy bliss as he reached his climax was enough to send Ben over the edge also and his moans of pleasure mingled with Hux's rapid breathing until it was impossible to tell who was responsible for what noise.</p><p>Ben hoped to bask in the afterglow and the feel of Hux's warm body against his for as long as possible, but Hux had other ideas. He immediately rolled off Ben's body and sat on the floor beside the bed. His face was flushed and his breath still heavy, and Ben couldn't tear his eyes away from the way Hux's spent cock still hung from the opening in his jeans.</p><p>Hux pulled a handful of tissues from the box beside the bed and held them out to Ben. “You should clean yourself up.”</p><p>Ben looked down at the mess on his stomach and thought that Hux was probably right. He wiped away as much as he could with the tissues but knew he wouldn't feel clean again until he was able to get to a bathroom and wipe himself down with some soap and water. He looked over at Hux and was surprised to see that Hux was now holding a trash can out to him—he was so surprised that it took him a few seconds to realize he should put the dirty tissues in there.</p><p>“I see that sex still slows down your thought processes,” Hux said with a smile.</p><p>Ben couldn't help but smile back. Any worries he had that things would now be awkward between them were eradicated by that smile. It was a gentle and genuine smile, the kind that you only shared with someone you trusted, and not one shared with someone you regretted having sex with.</p><p>Maybe answering Hux's text and agreeing to this crazy and impulsive train ride wasn't such a bad idea after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Day 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hux awoke in a state of confusion for the second day running. His head hurt, his mouth tasted like something had died in it, and there was something solid pressed against his back. He soon remembered that he was on a train bound for LA, the headache and bad-tasting mouth were due to too many gin and tonics last night, and the solid form behind him was a softly snoring Ben Solo.</p>
<p>Hux wasn't quite sure how he felt about that last part yet. He needed some painkillers, water, and mouthwash first.</p>
<p>For the first time in months, there was a sliver of happiness in his sleepy brain—despite the headache. There were no scenarios of New York-related doom running through his mind, nor was he cursing his own existence. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax into the moment, to enjoy the feeling of a body sated by an orgasm brought on by the hand of someone other than his own, and the comfort of a warm body lying behind him.</p>
<p>He wasn't the type of person that craved personal contact. His embarrassment at his two-year-long sex drought came only from admitting it to another person. Hux knew that if he was the kind of person that craved affection or the occasional hard fuck, he wouldn't have much difficultly finding someone to oblige. He was pretty certain that his assistant—a shy but productive young man by the name of Mitaka—would gladly provide either.</p>
<p>But he had to admit that this was nice. The soft rocking of the train and misty morning sunlight that filtered through the thin curtains of his sleeper room almost put him into a trance. Hux felt like the entire world had narrowed down to that room—there was no New York, no papers in his suitcase, and the train ride would never end.</p>
<p>Hux refused to acknowledge the intruding thought that said his current state of contentment and relaxation was only due to the body behind his being <i>Ben</i> and instead concentrated on the warm feeling spreading through his veins. Everything was quiet, still and—</p>
<p>Ben snorted so loudly in his sleep that he woke himself up, jerking into a sitting position with such force that he banged his elbow against the wall next to him. The string of curses that left his mouth as he rubbed his hurt elbow confirmed to Hux that the peace and quiet of the morning had truly been broken.</p>
<p>“Motherfucker,” Ben muttered. “Wait— Hux? What— Oh <i>fuck</i>.”</p>
<p>Hux presumed that the final exclamation of <i>fuck</i> was due to Ben's brain catching up with the situation and not the pain radiating from his elbow. “Good morning to you, too,” he replied, rolling onto his back.</p>
<p>Ben looked sheepish, his bottom lip jutting out in that way it always did when he was sad. Hux wanted to bite it. “I didn't mean to sound so—“ Ben paused, searching for the right words. “I didn't expect to wake up in your bed again. I was surprised.”</p>
<p>Ben didn't sound disappointed or angry at the situation, but he didn't sound particularly pleased, either. Not for the first time since sending that text, Hux began to question himself. What exactly did he want from Ben? What had he hoped to achieve when he invited Ben on this mad ride? At the time it had seemed like the best idea in the world, but what had past (and drunk) Hux expected to happen?</p>
<p>Hux didn't know. He knew that he had enjoyed yesterday and spending time with Ben. From what he could remember of the sex, he'd enjoyed that, too. And he'd certainly enjoyed waking up next to Ben, even if his headache had tried to ensure he didn't.</p>
<p>Hux looked at Ben, at his sleep-mussed hair that looked like a cow had chewed on it in the night, at his soft and still sleepy face, and finally at the muscular shoulders and chest that had definitely not been there last time he'd seen Ben shirtless. His facial scar extended down past his collarbone, Hux noticed.</p>
<p>Hux felt his heart wrench in his chest and he knew that if there was only one thing he wanted from Ben, it was for him not to regret anything that had already happened on this train ride. Including last night.</p>
<p>“Not that I'm saying being here is a bad thing,” Ben continued before adding quietly, “I like it.”</p>
<p>There was a shy innocence in that last statement that Hux was glad to hear. Ben had always been a walking contradiction—someone quick to anger that was also fiercely independent, but with a soft, innocent center that needed people and reassurance in a way Hux never had. He needed that reassurance now, Hux knew. He was waiting for Hux to say that he liked waking up next to Ben, too.</p>
<p>Hux briefly thought about crushing Ben's hopes, of making those big, brown eyes look impossibly sad with a few brutal words. He had a history of doing that. Hux had destroyed the confidence of many of his colleagues before taking over his father's business and took great delight in doing it to his rivals.</p>
<p>But this was Ben. Hux couldn't do that to Ben.</p>
<p>“There are worse ways to wake up in the morning,” Hux said, a sly smile spreading across his lips as he spoke.</p>
<p>The smile was soon echoed by Ben and before Hux could say anything more, Ben leaned down and sealed his lips over Hux's with only the slightest repulsion at how bad Hux's breath tasted. Hux had vague recollections of the kisses they'd shared the night before but he was certain they weren't as soft as this one. He ran his hands through Ben's messy hair and Ben hummed in contentment against his skin as he kissed along Hux's jawline.</p>
<p>Hux thought he could do this all day. He could stay in this too-small bed in this too-small room making out with Ben while the train continued its path towards LA. There was no need to leave the room, was there? What could the outside world offer that was more important than the man whose impressive back muscles he was currently mapping out?</p>
<p>But, his head was still throbbing and he knew that the headache wouldn't pass until he drank some water and took some painkillers. “If only my head didn't feel like a marching band was rehearsing inside.”</p>
<p>Ben looked down at him with confusion until he understood what Hux was referring to. “You still get bad headaches after drinking?”</p>
<p>“I take it you still don't, you lucky bastard?”</p>
<p>“Nope,” Ben said, grinning widely. “I have some Tylenol in my bag if you need it.”</p>
<p>“That would be fantastic, thank you,” Hux replied, ending his sentence with a light kiss to the end of Ben's nose. He'd missed that nose.</p>
<p>Ben's side of the bed was against the wall of the train car so he had to climb over Hux to get out. Nobody should have as much energy and coordination as Ben just showed on the morning after the night before, Hux thought. It was unfair that he was suffering so much when Ben barely seemed affected. Ben had the fastest metabolism of anyone he'd ever met though and it always meant that he recovered from drinking far faster than Hux did. It was decidedly unfair.</p>
<p>Another one of the planet's injustices was how confident Ben was as he stood buck-naked in Hux's sleeper car while he looked for his bag. Although Hux mused, Ben had no reason to be shy with thighs like that. Hux enjoyed the view far more than any he'd seen speeding past the train's windows so far and felt his cock start to stir. He was certain that Ben would be up for another round before they needed to get something to eat. Hux didn't know what he wanted more—to ride Ben's cock one more time or to feel Ben wrapped around his. Hopefully, he'd get to experience both before LA.</p>
<p>“Fuck, my bag isn't here. I must have left it in the restaurant car last night.”</p>
<p>Hux sat up and tried not to be self-conscious about the way the bed covers pooled around his waist. He felt better about his own slightly soft middle when he saw Ben blatantly checking him out with a hungry look in his eyes. “Is it not in your own sleeper car?”</p>
<p>Ben laughed. “We're not all organized enough to think about booking sleeper cars. Hopefully, Ahsoka noticed I left it and picked it up—she minded it for me whenever I went to the bathroom. I should check. Fuck, my wallet is in there.”</p>
<p>Hux watched Ben quickly get dressed with sad disappointment but understanding. “I hope she did.”</p>
<p>“Stay right there and I'll be back as soon as I can, hopefully with painkillers and coffee. Then we can finish what we started.”</p>
<p>Ben leaned over, gave Hux a kiss that lingered longer than intended, and slipped out of the room.</p>
<p>Hux sighed. The room seemed impossibly cold and empty without Ben. He didn't want to sleep—not if Ben was soon coming back—but there was nothing else for him to do. He glanced around the room to look for his phone. He hoped there would be a message from Phasma with photos of his darling Millicent to look at. It took him a few moments but he finally saw it, lying on the carpet near the door that Ben had just exited through.</p>
<p>His headache protested louder and louder with every movement that he made, but Hux was able to slowly get out of bed, shuffle the few steps to the door, pick-up his phone, and make it back to the bed without depositing yesterday's dinner all over the bedspread. He shoved a pillow behind his back and held the phone in front of his face so he could unlock it.</p>
<p>It took three failed attempts at scanning his face and two at entering a passcode before Hux realized this wasn't his phone. It was Ben's. He should have realized it from the start really as it was a size bigger and had a Darth Vader phone case, but he wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders. He put the phone down on the little table next to his side of the bed, ready for Ben's return, and stared at the wall for an undetermined amount of time.</p>
<p>The quiet but unmistakable sound of Ben's phone vibrating against wood startled Hux from his stupor. He looked at the phone and saw Darth Vader staring at him as he'd placed it screen down. He'd make sure to tell Ben he had a message when he came back from the restaurant car.</p>
<p>The phone vibrated again. And again.</p>
<p>Hux looked at it one more time.</p>
<p>Once, Ben's passcode had been Hux's birthday and Hux had constantly stolen Ben's phone to play games he refused to download onto his own. He'd even answered Ben's messages on occasion—particularly the ones from Ben's mother. He had a better and more respectful phone manner even in text messages, Ben always said.</p>
<p>But that was then, and this was now. Hux had no right to look at Ben's phone to see who was messaging him. It wasn't his business anymore. It didn't matter that the messages were insistent—what was that, the fifth message in as many minutes?—Hux had no right to know what was so important to need so many messages.</p>
<p>He knew he had no right, but Hux had never been good at turning away from things he shouldn't know. In business, knowledge—especially knowledge you shouldn't know—was currency and Hux had spent too many years trying to amass a fortune to leave the phone alone.</p>
<p>He picked it up. This time when he switched the screen on, he canceled the facial recognition and instead looked at the screen. The first thing he noticed was Ben's wallpaper. It appeared to be a photo of several people. Hux couldn't see all of the faces clearly because of the notifications that cluttered the screen, but he knew the hair and ear of the man on the right side of the screen was Ben himself.</p>
<p>A young woman was standing in front of him and it took Hux a few seconds to place her, but he eventually recognized Ben's cousin, Rey. The two cousins had had a rocky relationship during the years Hux had known them, but if the photo was anything to go by they seemed to be on better terms now. There were at least two more people in the photo, but Hux couldn't see their faces.</p>
<p>He looked at the notifications. The five messages all came from the same sender—Poe. Hux paused. Poe? Poe Dameron? He remembered Poe, too. He was a handsome, friendly, and thoroughly charming family friend that was the kind of person everyone loved to be around. Ben and Hux hated him.</p>
<p>Poe's messages appeared frantic and worried.</p>
<p>
  <i>“Ben, where r u?”<br/>
“Plz contact me”<br/>
“If ur in trouble its ok”<br/>
“Talk to me”<br/>
“At least let me know ur ok”</i>
</p>
<p>Hux was surprised to see that Ben was still in contact with Poe and was even more surprised that Ben's sudden vacation would cause Poe to worry so much. He was still staring at the messages when the door to his sleeper room began to open. He quickly dropped the phone to the floor and decided to pretend it had never been in his hand.</p>
<p>“Maybe I should play the lotto because I'm in luck today!” Ben proclaimed, dropping his duffle bag to the floor. He had a tray with two coffees in hand and passed it over to Hux who immediately set them down on the bedside table. “Do you still want those Tylenol?”</p>
<p>Hux nodded and was very grateful when a few seconds later, a small bottle was pressed into his hand followed by a bottle of water. Hux swallowed the tablets and drank half the bottle of water in one, long mouthful. When he looked up, he was very surprised to see a once again very naked Ben standing over him.</p>
<p>“There's no need to get up yet is there?” Ben asked. When Hux shook his head, Ben smiled lazily and climbed over him one more time before flopping down onto the space between Hux and the wall.</p>
<p>“Ahsoka kept your bag for you?”</p>
<p>“She did. Next time we're in the restaurant car I'll make sure to leave her a large tip. Can I leave my bag in here now?”</p>
<p>“Of course.” Hux passed over Ben's coffee and his thoughts turned to the messages on Ben's phone once more.</p>
<p>Ben seemed to be more relaxed and less angry than he had been when he was younger, but Hux still found it impossible to believe that he'd made friends with Poe Dameron of all people. Ben had known Poe since he was a kid as their mothers were life-long friends and the self-conscious and shy kid Ben had once been, had hated Poe for being everything he wasn't. Poe was popular and athletic, helpful and polite, and so genuinely nice that everyone who met him fell in love with him. Ben was weird and uncoordinated, rude and surly, and didn't know how to speak to people without snarling at them.</p>
<p>Hux wanted to ask about Poe, but he didn't want Ben to realize he looked at his phone. The fog in his brain was finally starting to lift and it helped him think of a question that he hoped wouldn't be too suspicious. “Are you still in contact with anybody from college? I still see Phasma regularly. She's looking after Millicent for me.”</p>
<p>“I haven't thought about Phasma in years,” Ben said with a smile. “She introduced me to lifting weights and I bet she can still out-bench me.”</p>
<p>Hux looked at Ben's thick biceps and wondered if that was true. “She hasn't changed much. Still terrorizes any poor soul that dares to cross her.”</p>
<p>“Always funny to watch when it happens to someone other than you.”</p>
<p>“It is,” Hux agreed. “So, do you still speak to anyone?” He hoped that sounded more nonchalant to Ben than it did to his own ears.</p>
<p>“I speak to Rey most days, even if it is just through stupid memes she insists on sending me. She's still dating Finn so he's around, too. He's a social worker—it sounds like a tough but rewarding job. Rose works at my Dad's garage and is far better at it than I ever would've been. There's Poe, too,” Ben added before quickly continuing, “but enough about other people.”</p>
<p>“Shame, I was looking forward to the story of how you became friends with Poe Dameron.”</p>
<p>“I guarantee that it's not as interesting as whatever you're imagining.”</p>
<p>Hux decided to let the topic go. For now at least. He wasn't willing to let Ben off the hook of difficult questions that easily though. “Then will you tell me the story of how you got that scar?”</p>
<p>Ben looked down at his right shoulder. It was a tight angle, but the scar reached far enough down that Hux was sure he'd be able to see it. “I traveled back in time to Medieval England, challenged a knight to a duel and lost. He spared my life, but left me scarred forever.”</p>
<p>Hux rolled his eyes. His headache had passed but had instead been replaced by the headache lying next to him inside. “Ben, you—“</p>
<p>“Hux, can I suck your cock? I've been thinking about it all morning.”</p>
<p>Hux wanted to protest. There were so many more things he wanted to discuss with Ben and more information that he wanted to discover. But when Ben pulled the covers from his lap and placed a chaste kiss on the head of his rapidly hardening dick, all of Hux's words escaped him.</p>
<p>**</p>
<p>Ben felt content in a way that he hadn't for a long, long time. After a couple more rounds in Hux's sleeper car that morning, they'd finally emerged around lunchtime and shared a pleasant meal. Ben had forgotten how interesting Hux could be to talk to sometimes. He just knew so much about so many different things and Ben was always willing to listen to Hux give a lecture about something he cared about.</p>
<p>Ben thought that he'd learned more about the current political state of the country in thirty minutes from Hux than he had in a lifetime with a senator for a parent. Or maybe that was just because he was willing to listen to Hux in a way he'd never listened to Senator Organa.</p>
<p>Now it was late afternoon and they sat in one of the passenger cars together. The table in-between them was littered with Ben's sketch pad and pencils, but Hux didn't seem to mind. As long as he had enough room for his laptop and bottle of water, he was happy for Ben to take as much room as he needed.</p>
<p>Ben had finished the initial sketches for his new project a couple of hours ago and was now simply doodling whatever he saw on the train that caught his eye. The old couple a few seats down. The train attendant that kept walking past. The man across from them who was fast asleep and drooling on himself. And of course, Hux.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Truthfully, Ben wanted nothing more than to fill his sketch pad with drawings of Hux, just in case the man disappeared again when the train finally reached its destination. He'd seen so many of Hux's faces this past couple of days, too. His initial surprise when he'd first seen what Ben looked like now, the almost-apologetic look that accompanied the bacon and egg bagel yesterday, the drunk smiles of last night, how sweet he looked when he slept, and the look of bliss on his face as Ben swallowed him whole that morning.</p>
<p>Ben wanted to remember every single one of those faces, but with the man in question sitting in front of him and able to see what he was sketching, he thought it best to restrain himself to just one drawing of Hux. He drew Hux as he looked now, the bottom half of his face hidden by his laptop monitor and the top half barely lit by the glow of the screen. Hux's brow was furrowed and his eyes were stern—Ben remembered this expression as concentration mixed with annoyance, and wondered what poor employee was about to feel Hux's wrath.</p>
<p>As much as seeing Hux angry always amused him—at least when it wasn't aimed at him—Ben didn't really want to see Hux become angry. He didn't want anything to spoil the comfortable silence they'd fallen into. Damn, Ben had missed this. He'd missed just hanging out with Hux while they both pursued their own interests. Sketching alone, no matter how well it was going, never felt as warm and welcoming as sketching with Hux present did. It didn't matter that neither of them had spoken for a couple of hours. All he needed was to know that Hux was there.</p>
<p>Ben stopped halfway through shading Hux's hair and turned to a new page in his sketchbook. He shouldn't get used to this again. He shouldn't allow himself to feel so safe and secure with Hux when there soon wouldn't be a Hux in his life anymore. It was naive and foolish of him to take joy in something he couldn't possibly have again.</p>
<p>Instead of finishing his drawing of Hux, he started drawing the old couple again. If his lines became slightly more angular, dark, and the pressure he applied on his pencil nearly ripped through the page, then that was purely coincidence and nothing to do with his feelings towards Hux at all.</p>
<p>He was so screwed. Hux had taken a nap earlier and Ben had taken that time to look at the various messages on his phone. It had taken him longer than expected to find his phone—how had it fallen underneath the bed?—and when he saw what was waiting for him, he nearly threw it back under there. Poe had left so many messages. There had only been a couple during his first couple of days away from LA, but now that Ben's vacation had reached its third day (fourth, if you included the midnight dash from LA to NY) the messages had greatly increased.</p>
<p>Poe was getting worried. Ben hadn't intended to worry Poe, or Rey, or his mother, or anyone at all. He'd even left a note before leaving, explaining that he was going away and that they shouldn't worry. Surely that should've been enough to placate everyone. He was a grown man—30-years-old at his next birthday—if he wanted to go on vacation it was nobody's business.</p>
<p>Ben knew he was kidding himself with that last thought. The problem with opening your life to family and friends was that it was near impossible to evict them once they'd set up camp. He had rent to pay now. Car payments. He was even paying for a—</p>
<p>Ben was startled out of his thoughts by an angry sigh of frustration from Hux. He put his pencil down and looked at Hux, instantly noting how much angrier he seemed now. There was no concentration on Hux's face anymore, just the kind of anger that made his cheeks flush red and caused Ben to consider diving under the nearest table until Hux calmed down.</p>
<p>“Stop staring at me, Ben.”</p>
<p>As far as Ben was aware, Hux hadn't lifted his eyes from the screen. How did he know Ben was staring? “Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>“Go back to your drawing.”</p>
<p>Ben noticed that Hux didn't answer the question, but did as requested. Let Hux have his secrets—Ben had plenty of his own, after all.</p>
<p>He'd just finished capturing the honest smile on the old lady's face when Hux sighed again. Only this time, it was accompanied by a muttered “<i>fuck</i>” and a slam of Hux's right hand against the table, turning the sweet smile that Ben had so perfectly captured into a mess of lines when he jumped at the sudden noise.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>“Hux? What's wrong—“</p>
<p>“I'm going to get a coffee,” Hux said, jumping to his feet. “Do you want one?”</p>
<p>Hux's voice was firm and composed and maybe a stranger would have accepted that composure at face value, but Ben was no stranger. He could see how angry and rattled Hux truly was and wondered what Hux had seen on his laptop to cause such a reaction.</p>
<p>Ben supposed it was none of his business. “Sure. Ahsoka knows my order.”</p>
<p>“I know how you take your coffee, Ben.”</p>
<p>Hux ran his hand over his face and through his hair and that's when Ben knew that whatever the problem was, it was serious. Hux was immensely vain about his hair being perfectly styled at all times and only messed with it when he was under immense strain.</p>
<p>“I'll still be here when you get back.”</p>
<p>Hux nodded in acknowledgment and swiftly walked away in the direction of the restaurant car. His posture as he walked was a little defeated, Ben noticed. Slouched, almost. It was so unlike Hux—no matter the situation or his clothing, Hux always carried himself like he was wearing a custom-made suit into the most important meeting of his life. Seeing him with rounded shoulders and his head turned down as if the weight of the world was upon his back was sad.</p>
<p>Although he was certain that Hux would return with two coffees, he suspected that Hux's main reason for leaving was to cool down and think through whatever was happening. He was probably in one of the restrooms right now, splashing his face with water and giving himself a pep talk in the mirror. That was a very Hux-like thing to do. Ben had never met anyone who was as hard on themselves for having emotions than Armitage Hux was.</p>
<p>Ben wanted to help Hux, to make him feel better and all the bad things in his world go away, but he didn't know what any of those things were. He supposed he didn't have the right to know anymore.</p>
<p>He picked up his pencil and began a new sketch of the old couple. His shock at Hux's reaction had ruined the sketch he'd been working on previously but it would be easy enough to start again. He put his pencil against the paper, and then immediately put it back down. He couldn't draw now, he was worrying about Hux too much to concentrate.</p>
<p>Ben stared down the length of the train car and his eyes fell upon Hux's laptop. It was still open—in his haste, Hux hadn't closed it. He was pretty certain that Hux wouldn't have locked the screen or closed down whatever he was looking at, either. If he looked at whatever was on Hux's laptop screen, he'd know what had upset Hux so much and maybe he could help.</p>
<p>But that would be an invasion of privacy and it would step over more lines than he'd drawn in his sketchbook. He couldn't do that to Hux. Ben closed his eyes and tried to distract himself by listening to the reassuring rhythm of the train as it continued its journey.</p>
<p>Just as he'd managed to drive thoughts of looking at Hux's laptop from his head, a new thought popped up and occupied his entire brain. <i>What if Hux's bad reaction is related to why he asked me to 'Run' with him in the first place?</i> Hux never had told Ben what led to him sending that fateful text, and it was a puzzle that had remained there, hot and itchy underneath Ben's skin since he'd received it.</p>
<p>Everything had to be linked, didn't it? And if this was part of the reason why he'd dragged Ben onto this train, then surely Ben had a right to know. It involved him now, whether that had been Hux's intent or not. Ben knew that he was twisting reality to justify something wrong and immoral, but it wouldn't be the first time he'd done that and it wouldn't be the last.</p>
<p>Ben stood up, walked around the table, and slipped into Hux's still warm seat.</p>
<p>Hux's laptop was still unlocked and it appeared to still be showing the last page he'd looked at. It was the Forbes website and Ben felt his eyes roll into the back of his head through boredom as he looked at the headlines on the page. Business had never been his forte or interest, but it had always been Hux's. He'd done his postgraduate thesis on emerging business markets or something equally dry, after all. Ben was about to leave the laptop alone and return to his own seat when a headline caught his eye.</p>
<p>
  <i>Questions from Stakeholders for First Order's Missing CEO Over Financial Fraud Intensify.</i>
</p>
<p>Ben knew well enough that First Order was the company founded by Brendol Hux, the father of Armitage Hux. That also meant that it was the company that Armitage had taken over as CEO after the death of his father. But, financial fraud? And Hux was allegedly missing? Is this what Hux had decided to run from? Did he have a bag of cash stashed away in his sleeper car?</p>
<p>Ben refused to believe it. He wasn't naive enough to think that all of Hux's business practices would be completely above board—he was, in many ways, still his father's son—but Hux had too much pride in his achievements to do more than bend a few rules. He wouldn't commit financial fraud serious enough for Forbes to cover it.</p>
<p>Ben clicked on the link to read the article. The page had just finished loading on the train's slow wi-fi when he heard a voice brimming with barely controlled rage.</p>
<p>“What are you doing, Ben.”</p>
<p>It wasn't a question, it was a statement—a statement that Ben had just put his extra-large feet into a trap that he wouldn't be able to get out. “Hux, I'm sorry I was just—“</p>
<p>Hux put the coffees down on the table with enough force that a few drops escaped the take-out cups and dripped onto Ben's sketchbook. He snatched his laptop from under Ben's nose and snapped it shut. He was pissed.</p>
<p>“I was just worried about you so I—“</p>
<p>Hux interrupted him, his voice as cold as ice. “This is nothing to do with you. None of this has anything to do with you. I don't care what you were just trying to do, Ben. You have no fucking right to look at my computer.”</p>
<p>“I know I don't have the right!” Ben replied, his voice rising in volume as he spoke.</p>
<p>“Then why did you—“</p>
<p>“Because you won't tell me fucking anything!” Ben exclaimed. The old couple he'd been drawing earlier were staring at him now, but he found it hard to care. Let them stare—he only cared about Hux. “If you were honest with me about anything, I wouldn't need to!”</p>
<p>“You care about honesty now? Is that it? What about your scar, Ben? Why did Poe Dameron message you multiple times this morning, panicking about your whereabouts? Are you going to be honest about that?”</p>
<p>Hux's outburst woke the sleeping man next to them, but Ben didn't notice. All he could concentrate on was what Hux had just said. “How do you know that Poe messaged me this morning? Did you look at my phone?”</p>
<p>Hux's jaw was set in defiance, but he couldn't look Ben in the eye.</p>
<p>“You fucking hypocrite! You have the fucking nerve to shout at me for breaching your privacy when you knew you'd already done the same to me!”</p>
<p>“I'm not having this argument with you in the middle of the train,” Hux said through gritted teeth. He was obviously still livid with Ben for looking at his laptop, but Hux's sense of decorum and hatred of public embarrassment was just as strong. “I'm not having this argument with you at all. Please, leave me the fuck alone for the rest of this trip.”</p>
<p>Hux was through the door and into the next car before Ben had even managed to scramble to his feet. Ben quickly gathered together his sketchbook and pencils—the adrenaline in his veins making his fingers so uncoordinated that it took twice as long as normal—and chased after Hux. He'd run in the direction of the sleeper cars and Ben had no doubt that was where he was headed. Maybe they could have this argument in the relative privacy of Hux's sleeper car.</p>
<p>When Ben reached Hux's sleeper, he found the door locked and his duffle bag lying in the corridor outside. He contemplated banging on the door until Hux let him in or simply yelling at him from outside but felt all of his anger quickly drain out of him.</p>
<p>Hux was right. He knew Hux was right—he'd known that all along, even before looking at Hux's laptop. He was angry at Hux for looking at his phone first, but did it really matter who had sinned first? They'd both breached the other's privacy and were both to blame.</p>
<p>Ben needed to think. And he needed a drink.</p>
<p>Time to see Ahsoka in the restaurant car, he thought.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Day 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hux didn't sleep at all that night.</p>
<p>Initially, it was his anger that kept him awake. Sure, the story was in the public domain now but Hux highly doubted that Ben ever read the business section of any news sites. Ben never would have found that story on his own or have any inkling of how much trouble Hux was running away from.</p>
<p>But Ben knowing about Hux's professional failures wasn't what had made Hux so angry he'd spent the three hours planning how to throw Ben from the train and make it look like an accident. No, he'd been angry because Ben had looked at his laptop in the first place. How could Ben invade his privacy like that? Ben was the first—and so far only— person Hux had freely and unequivocally trusted. He had trusted Ben with everything—his dreams, his fears, and his heart.</p>
<p>Ben had never once betrayed that trust. Until last night.</p>
<p>Sometime around 3 am, Hux had stopped planning to throw Ben into the Albuquerque desert for the vultures to find and had come to a truly disturbing realization. He wasn't angry at Ben at all. None of the anger he'd directed towards Ben during the four days on the train—including the anger of the last few hours—had truly been for Ben at all.</p>
<p>Hux was angry at himself.</p>
<p>If he'd been honest with Ben from day one—as Ben had wanted to be with him—Ben wouldn't have looked at his laptop and he wouldn't have looked at Ben's phone. He could have simply told Ben why he'd texted '<i>RUN</i>' and avoided the entire situation. All he had needed to do since seeing Ben again for the first time in eight years was to be as open and honest as he had the last time he'd seen Ben.</p>
<p>If this train ride was a test of how Hux had grown as a person over the last eight years then he had failed it miserably. Somehow, he'd regressed. Simply devolved back into the same prickly bastard he'd been before meeting Ben the first time. That Hux had locked his neuroses and fear of getting hurt behind a 20-foot tall wall edged in barbed wire, but somehow freshman art student Ben Solo with his awkward personality and anger issues had managed to breakthrough.</p>
<p>Not only had Hux not been honest with Ben, but he hadn't been honest with himself. He'd somehow been convinced that meeting Ben again would be easy, that they could pick up where they left off (with or without the sex, he hadn't been clear on that) and that Ben would make all of his problems go away, just like he always had. Hux fooled himself into thinking that it would be easy to tell Ben everything that was happening, just because it had been eight years ago.</p>
<p>Hux was an intelligent man that had a deep knowledge of many subjects—politics, stock markets, and the lyrics to musicals by Gilbert and Sullivan to name just three. One thing he didn't know, however, was himself.</p>
<p>As daylight broke through the small window in his sleeper and he finally lay down, Hux felt all of his anger towards Ben drift away before turning inward. There was nothing like a bout of self-loathing to start a morning in the best way possible, he thought to himself. He soon discovered that lying down was a terrible idea as he swore he could smell the lingering scent of Ben's cologne on his second pillow.</p>
<p>Hux was torn between finding an employee to yell at for not adequately cleaning his room and hugging the pillow to his chest while he cried in it when he heard a faint knock at his door.</p>
<p>The knock was quickly followed by a quiet voice. “Hux? Are you awake?”</p>
<p>It was Ben. Hux immediately sat up and stared at the door, as if doing so would suddenly give him the power to see through the wood and be able to tell if Ben was still angry or had calmed down. Hux's common sense told him that an angry Ben wouldn't quietly knock at his door—an angry Ben was more likely to try and wrench it off its hinges—but Hux had never fully believed in common sense.</p>
<p>Hux got out of bed and stood behind the door, his ear pressed to the cool wood. Was he ready to face Ben? He wasn't sure that he was. Maybe he could hide in his room until they reached LA and sneak off the train while Ben wasn't looking. There was only another—he looked at his watch—30 hours before the train was due to arrive. He could go without food or water for that long, surely?</p>
<p>There was another knock at the door. “I know you're awake, Hux. I heard you move. If you don't want to talk to me, just say and I'll leave you alone.”</p>
<p>Despite his tendency to always think the worst of people, Hux believed that Ben was being genuine and truly would leave him alone.</p>
<p>“But I don't want to leave things like this,” Ben continued. His voice was barely above a whisper and Hux struggled to him through the door and over the sounds of the train. “I want to tell you the truth about everything and I want to hear your truth too, if you're willing to tell it.”</p>
<p>Hux had never met anyone as emotional as Ben Solo. The very first time he'd ever taken notice of the other man was because he was having a very public and very loud argument with Poe Dameron in the middle of the college quad. Ben was quick to anger, constantly frustrated, and prone to enthusiastic outbursts at the most inconvenient times. Phasma sometimes joked that the reason for Ben's depth of feelings was because he also felt all of the emotions that Hux wouldn't allow himself to feel.</p>
<p>Ben was “emotionally immature” according to some people and borderline dangerous according to others. Hux knew that neither of these was true. Ben just felt so much more than the average person did and it meant that whenever they argued—which they did, frequently—it was always Ben that made the first move to reconcile. Hux could quietly stew in his own anger for days, but Ben would try to find a solution to bring them back together again.</p>
<p>It was no surprise that he was here now, offering his truth to Hux as a way of clearing the air. Ben had never been emotionally immature or dangerous at all—Hux often thought Ben was the only emotionally mature person in the world.</p>
<p>Hux slid the lock on the door open and sat back down on the bed. By the time he was settled, Ben was standing in the corner of the room with the door locked behind him.</p>
<p>“I'm sorry for looking at your laptop,” Ben blurted out. “I knew that you were upset about something and I wanted to know what it was. I wanted to see if I could help like I always used to. I forgot that's not my place anymore.”</p>
<p>Hux knew a sincere and genuine apology when he heard one. He'd never been able to express his own feelings as well as Ben, but he felt that he should try. “I'm sorry for looking at your phone.”</p>
<p>Hux knew his apology was inadequate and lacking, but Ben seemed to appreciate it as he visibly relaxed upon hearing it. He idly wondered if Ben had spent part of his night considering how to throw Hux from the train before deciding to apologize instead, but considered it best not to ask. He shuffled down the bed until his back was against the wall at the head of the bed and motioned for Ben to take a seat.</p>
<p>Ben sat down at the foot of the bed with an awkward smile. “I said I'd tell you the truth about everything but I don't know where to start. Why don't you ask me something and we'll go from there.“</p>
<p>“You don't have to tell me anything.”</p>
<p>“I know, but I want to. What's the point of this train ride otherwise?”</p>
<p>Hux had to concede that Ben had a good point. Hux had yet to decide exactly what he wanted from this coast-to-coast journey, but he thought he'd start with the truth. “How did you become friends with Poe Dameron and why is he so worried about you?”</p>
<p>“Because— Wow, right in there with the difficult questions,” Ben said, chuckling uneasily as he picked at the stitching on his jeans.</p>
<p>Ben was nervous about giving his answer, that much was obvious to Hux. However, Hux couldn't understand why Ben should be nervous about explaining why he was now friends with Poe. Sure, Hux had hated him at college, but Hux had hated everyone that was nice and seemed to have their life in order. It was hardly anything personal.</p>
<p>“Poe is worried because,” Ben took a deep breath before continuing, “we were supposed to be getting married next week.”</p>
<p>Hux wondered if he fell asleep halfway through Ben's sentence or was simply dreaming the entire conversation because there was no way that Ben had just said he was due to marry Poe Dameron next week.</p>
<p>The only answer Hux could muster was a disbelieving, “What?”</p>
<p>Ben ran his fingers through his hair. Hux noticed that although he wasn't wearing an engagement ring, there seemed to be a tan line on his ring finger. “I was having a fitting for my wedding suit when I received your text.”</p>
<p>“Let me understand this,” Hux said calmly, his confusion overriding any other emotions. “You're getting married next week? Did you plan to walk off this train when we get to LA and go straight to the church?”</p>
<p>“I— No!” Ben exclaimed. He looked almost offended at the suggestion and seeing such an emotion on Ben's face in the current situation was so out of place it made Hux laugh. “I left a note before leaving. I called the wedding off and headed straight to New York.”</p>
<p>“That was good of you.”</p>
<p>Ben didn't appreciate Hux's sarcasm. “You don't understand—“</p>
<p>“No, I don't,” Hux interjected. “I don't understand why you walked out on your fiancé just because your ex-boyfriend texted you, and I don't understand what you're expecting from me, either.”</p>
<p>Ben growled in annoyance. Maybe it wasn't fair of Hux to jump to conclusions about Ben's actions when he didn't know the full story, but he was still having difficulty imagining Ben and Poe together. They made an attractive couple—that part was easy to imagine—but their personalities were like oil and water. Hux almost felt sorry for Poe. He couldn't imagine how it would feel to have your fiancé leave you in the way Ben had left Poe.</p>
<p>“If I tell you the full story, will you shut up long enough for me to explain everything?”</p>
<p>“Go ahead. I'm eager to hear how you went from hating Poe to marrying him.”</p>
<p>Ben stood up and leaned against the wall opposite to the one Hux leaned against. They were as far apart in the room as they could possibly be, but if they both reached out they'd still be able to hold hands. Hux tried not to think of how close they were and instead watched Ben as he prepared to talk.</p>
<p>Ben turned his head to stare out of the window and Hux saw his Adam's apple bob a couple of times as he attempted to swallow down his nerves. Hux traced the outline of Ben's profile with his eyes and remembered all of the sleepless nights he'd spent doing the same and the lazy mornings where he'd run his fingertips over it instead. He shook his head free of those thoughts and waited for Ben to speak.</p>
<p>“When college ended and we—“ Ben coughed. Hux mentally filled in the words 'broke-up.' “I didn't do much. I drifted a lot, drank too much, got in fights. I became friends with this group of guys who spent all of their time racing cars and spending their trust funds. 'The Knights of Ren' they called themselves. You would've hated them.”</p>
<p>Hux was certain that was true as he hated them just from Ben's description of them. He'd been surprised when—after two months of dating—he'd discovered that Ben came from a rich and very well-respected family. Ben was independent and determined to find his own way in life instead of hiding behind the Skywalker family name and his politician mother. Hux respected that immensely.</p>
<p>“Well, one night we partied a little too much and decided to take Kuruk's new Lamborghini for a ride and test it out against Ushar's Ferrari. The roads were wet and slippery, we were drunk— I woke up three days later in hospital.”</p>
<p>Before Ben had started speaking, Hux had had no expectations for how the story would progress. The end result of Ben being engaged to Poe was already so unlikely that he thought anything was possible. Even with this in mind, he was stunned into silence by what Ben had just told him. He knew that Ben walked away from the crash—of course he did, he was standing in front of him—but Hux still felt a crippling fear squeeze his heart.</p>
<p>Ben could have died in that crash and Hux would never have known until it was too late.</p>
<p>“Is that how you got your scar?” Hux asked quietly.</p>
<p>Ben lightly ran his fingers over the scar that cut across his face. It was such a gentle and absentminded gesture that Hux doubted Ben even knew he was doing it. “Yes. It's not something I like to admit to.”</p>
<p>Hux could understand that. Who would want to admit that they'd become permanently scarred in a drink-driving accident?</p>
<p>“The hospital gave me time to think. It made me realize that just because I didn't want to follow in my family's footsteps didn't mean I had to be a fucking screw-up. I could do anything I wanted—so I decided to go back to school and become an architect as soon as I was discharged.</p>
<p>“I had a few arguments with Leia over it. I began to dread her hospital visits. She thought that I was rushing into a decision and didn't think I'd see it through. I can't blame her for that,” Ben said, smiling wistfully.</p>
<p>Hux couldn't help but smile back. Leia loved her son—there was no doubt about that—but she'd never truly understood or trusted him. The younger Ben that Hux had once known so intimately had placed all of the blame for their rocky relationship firmly on his mother's shoulders. It seemed that the older Ben that stood before Hux today was far more self-aware and ready to acknowledge his own faults.</p>
<p>“Rey visited me most days while I was in the hospital, but she always looked at me with sad eyes. Like the scars meant I was broken. I think she was too young and too scared of losing someone else she cared for to process it all fully. Finn was the same.</p>
<p>“Han was— Han wasn't really around much.” Ben shrugged his shoulders, as if his father's absences were a regular occurrence (they were, Hux remembered.) “The only person who visited me and treated me normally was Poe. I started to look forward to his visits and we became friends. He helped me when I was finally discharged but still not fully healed.”</p>
<p>Hux wasn't surprised that Poe had helped Ben. That was just the kind of guy Poe was—friendly, dependable, and always willing to help. Hux supposed he should be glad that Ben had someone like Poe in his life after the accident, but instead he could feel himself becoming angry again. He was angry at Ben for allowing Poe into his life, he was angry at Poe for worming his way in and most important he was angry at himself for not being there.</p>
<p>It should have been Hux supporting Ben through his recovery but Hux was on the opposite side of the country, working for a father and business he hated.</p>
<p>“We started dating soon after. I didn't intend for it to get serious, but he was so kind and—,” Ben paused. “I don't deserve someone like Poe. I should never have allowed things to get this far. It was like boarding this train—once it starts, you can't get off unless it lets you. Does that make any sense?”</p>
<p>Hux nodded. He had no grand romance of his own to compare Ben's story to, but he had his career. He'd started working for the First Order after graduation to gain some experience—and capital—before branching out on his own. But new clients had come his way, promotions had happened, and soon he was running the entire company following the death of his father. It felt like he was on Ben's train, powerless to get out of the company and destined to see the train to its destination.</p>
<p>Maybe that was why he'd so thoroughly derailed the business two weeks ago.</p>
<p>“Poe's not stupid.” Ben was looking at him now. How long had he been doing that, Hux wondered? “He knew I wasn't enthusiastic about the wedding. Or about him. Calling it off won't be a shock, but running away is. That's why he sent me those text messages. Because despite all of the shit I've put him through, he's a nice guy that still cares.”</p>
<p>Hux gave Ben a couple of moments with his thoughts. He still didn't like Poe—hated him even—but he was glad that Ben had someone in his life who cared about him. Ben deserved that, even if he didn't think he did.</p>
<p>There was no denying that Ben had been completely honest. He'd answered every question Hux had—apart from one. “Is that why you texted me back and joined me on this train? As a way of calling off the wedding?”</p>
<p>Ben thought about his answer before replying. Hux thought it was the longest few seconds of his life. “It was part of it. It drove home that I couldn't go through with the wedding, no matter how embarrassing it would be for my mother. But mainly, it was because of <i>you</i>.”</p>
<p>“Me?”</p>
<p>“When we agreed to this dumb idea eight years ago to run away and ride a train together, I never expected it would be you that would text first. I thought you'd forget about it, and me, as soon as you returned to New York. Why would rich and powerful businessman Armitage Hux still think about the college sweetheart he left behind in LA?”</p>
<p>Ben's voice softened before he continued to speak. It reminded Hux of countless nights spent in the dark, lying next to Ben and quietly listening to him talk about his dreams. “But you didn't forget me. Something made you reach out to me and I wanted to know what that was. If you were in trouble, I wanted to help.</p>
<p>“After all of this time, I still care about you, Hux.”</p>
<p>Hux didn't know what to say. Despite the honesty Ben had shown him since entering his sleeper car that morning, he hadn't expected to hear such a raw declaration of truth from Ben. When they'd been together all of those years ago, neither of them had been the most eloquent at expressing their feelings. Hux had known that Ben cared for him then—loved him, even—but Ben had rarely expressed it in words. Ben's emotions were always too strong and his words too lacking to talk.</p>
<p>It had always been shown in actions instead. Ben showed how much he cared by monitoring how long Hux studied and ensuring he ate, or by agreeing to watch the latest dry political thriller only for it to send Ben to sleep within the first twenty minutes.</p>
<p>Neither of them had talked about their feelings much back then. Now it was eight years later and Hux still couldn't talk about his feelings—not even to himself. It appeared that Ben's emotional growth had been far more successful than Hux's own.</p>
<p>With words yet again failing him Hux returned to actions, just like he always had. He held his arms out to Ben and motioned for the other man to join him on the bed. After the briefest moment of hesitation, Ben complied and crawled onto the mattress. He lay next to Hux and placed his head in Hux's lap, just like he always used to.</p>
<p>Hux ran his fingers through Ben's hair and closed his eyes. If he ignored the noise and rocking motion of the train and concentrated his thoughts purely on the man lying next to him, Hux could almost fool himself into thinking that it was eight years ago. How many times had they laid together like this? With Ben slowly drifting to sleep in Hux's lap while Hux petted his hair with one hand and held a textbook in the other?</p>
<p>It was strange. In some ways it felt like the last eight years hadn't happened at all, but in other ways it was blatantly evident that they had.</p>
<p>Hux trailed his fingertips from Ben's hair to his scar. He felt Ben's entire body stiffen slightly at the touch before slowly relaxing again. It really wasn't that bad, he thought. It didn't take anything away from Ben in his eyes.</p>
<p>“You don't have to tell me your story if you don't want to,” Ben said softly. It took Hux a few seconds to process the sound of Ben's voice into words again as his mind had slipped into a daze. “I don't care if you're in trouble with your business, Hux. I'm just glad you reached out to me.”</p>
<p>This would be the perfect time to tell Ben the full story. Hux hadn't spoken to anyone about the financial fraud the First Order was involved in and nobody other than his attorney knew about the lawsuits that sat in neat manila folders at the bottom of his suitcase. He could tell Ben everything and he knew that Ben wouldn't judge him.</p>
<p>But, Hux hadn't managed to overcome his inability to share his story and feelings in the same way that Ben had. Ben had learned how to articulate his feelings while Hux still struggled to recognize he even had them. It was fitting that Ben volunteered to share his story first because in so many ways Ben had always been ahead of him.</p>
<p>For the second time in ten minutes, Hux ran away from talking and instead chose actions instead. He placed two fingers underneath Ben's chin, tilted his head up, and kissed him.</p>
<p>The kiss was nothing like the kisses they'd drunkenly shared two days earlier. Those had been explosive—full of passion, wicked tongues, and a burning need for flesh against flesh. This kiss was softer. It was the kind of kiss that made Hux's heart ache for something he no longer had and made him consider canceling his return trip to New York in favor of staying in LA with Ben.</p>
<p>Ben whined—or was it him?—and then Ben's nervous fingers fumbled over the buttons on Hux's shirt as they struggled to get it open. Hux would have helped, but he was too busy clawing at Ben's t-shirt with his blunt nails in a desperate attempt to pull it off Ben's body. Despite his obvious nervousness, Ben seemed to be more functional than Hux as he pulled away from the kiss long enough for Hux to succeed in removing his shirt.</p>
<p>Hux chuckled. Partly in embarrassment at trying to remove Ben's shirt while they were still attached at the lips, and partly because of how messy Ben's hair now was. He smoothed down a few errant locks and uttered a soft, “Thank you.”</p>
<p>Hux knew that Ben's answering smile would stay with him forever.</p>
<p>The first time that Hux and Ben had slept together, it had been average. It was spring break and their relationship was only two weeks old. With no classes to worry about and Hux's thesis well underway, it was the perfect time for a romantic evening and a memorable night. Hux was inexperienced and Ben even more so, but that hadn't mattered.</p>
<p>Ben was enthusiastic and eager to learn. Every time they had sex after that first, average time, Ben tried something new or asked Hux another question. <i>Do you like this? What if I bite just here—? Does that feel good?</i> Ben was so eager to please that Hux had no choice but to answer honestly. Communication—especially in the bedroom—had never been one of Hux's strong points, but with Ben, it was.</p>
<p>What started out as average soon became mind-blowing.</p>
<p>Hux thought that their time apart would put them back at the beginning. After all, eight years was a long time. How could anyone be expected to remember how an ex-boyfriend liked to be touched after so long? He expected it to feel new. Ben had packed on 30 lb of muscle since they'd last been naked together and an irregular eating schedule and lack of exercise had made Hux's flat stomach a little softer than it used to be. They weren't the same people they had been eight years ago.</p>
<p>Not for the first time during their long train ride together, Hux was wrong. Ben instantly remembered how sensitive Hux's nipples were and Hux was pleased to find that Ben still melted when his ears were nibbled on. Sure, Ben's arms were bigger, his chest thicker and he had scars in places that had once been smooth, but he was still <i>Ben</i>.</p>
<p>Hux groaned in frustration when Ben pulled away from him and reached into the duffle bag he'd dropped by the door when he entered the sleeper car. The groan soon turned to laughter when Ben sheepishly pulled a bottle of lube from his bag.</p>
<p>“I wasn't being presumptuous when I packed this. I just travel a lot to see potential clients so I have this bag permanently packed,” Ben explained. “Late nights in random hotel rooms can get boring.”</p>
<p>Hux stopped laughing and instead smiled softly when Ben reached back into his bag and pulled out a couple of condoms.</p>
<p>“Makes clean-up easier,” Ben said with a shrug. “You taught me that.”</p>
<p>Hux had. He distinctly remembered Ben laughing at him when he first explained he always masturbated into a condom because it made things less messy. He was shocked that Ben had taken his advice to heart and still remembered it so many years later.</p>
<p>Hux's shock was replaced by immense gratitude when he felt a lubed finger press against his hole. Ben had the most gloriously thick and talented fingers. They were thick enough to make that initial penetration sting in a way that always made Hux crave more and always seemed to find their target. Fuck, Hux had missed those fingers.</p>
<p>Ben had never been a tease, that had always been more Hux's forte. This time was no different. What had started out as something soft and unhurried, as gentle and sweet kisses was now something so much more. There was no hesitation or softness from Ben now. His fingers worked quickly and the kisses he littered Hux's stomach and hip bones with were sharp and pointed.</p>
<p>Hux squeaked in surprise when Ben quickly flipped him over onto his stomach but quickly caught up and rose to his knees. He bent over, propping himself up on his elbows, and spread his knees slightly. When he heard Ben's sharp intake of breath, he knew he had the position right.</p>
<p>He felt a trail of wet kisses sliver down the center of his back, heard the crinkle of a plastic wrapper being opened, and felt a large, blunt pressure press against his hole. Hux bit his lip, took a deep, steadying breath, and pushed back.</p>
<p>Damn, Hux had missed this, too. It wasn't just the feel of Ben's large cock thrusting in and out of him or the deep moans of encouragement that dropped from Ben's mouth and rattled around the room that he'd missed, but it was the intimacy of the act. Even like this, with his head down, ass in the air, and unable to see any part of Ben other than for his knees, it still felt so more intimate than any other fuck he'd ever had.</p>
<p>It's because it's <i>Ben</i>, his mind helpfully supplied. You don't need to see his face to know his thoughts and heart—you know those better than you know your own.</p>
<p>Hux buried his face into the pillow beneath him and growled. He didn't want to think right now. He didn't want to consider what emotions Ben was feeling as he fucked into him—he didn't even want to consider his own emotions. He tried to ignore the building tension in his heart and instead concentrated on how Ben was now occasionally brushing against his prostate.</p>
<p>Then Ben flipped him over again, back onto his back.</p>
<p>Ben leaned down to kiss him and Hux couldn't resist. He didn't want to. He wrapped one arm around Ben's shoulders, buried his other hand in Ben's hair, and took every kiss Ben was willing to offer. Ben was fucking him harder and deeper now and Hux never wanted it to end. It was easier to ignore his confused and competing emotions when his prostate was now being touched on every other thrust. It was easier to ignore everything.</p>
<p>One of Ben's large hands wrapped around Hux's dick and began to stroke in the same rhythm of his hips. It didn't take much longer. Hux didn't know if they came at the same time or barely seconds apart and he supposed it didn't matter. He did know that he came with Ben's name on his tongue and that Ben came with his.</p>
<p>Hux closed his eyes. His breath was rapid, his heart beat at a million miles an hour, and his whole body tingled in a way that only a good orgasm could cause. He tried to hold onto all of those feelings for as long as he could. His mind felt clear in a way it hadn't done for weeks. There was no world out there—just relaxing satisfaction.</p>
<p>He vaguely felt a soft tissue brush against his stomach and hole—Ben cleaning him up, no doubt—but Hux paid no attention to it. There was no New York, no lawsuits, and no decisions to be made. If he could make the train ride last forever and spend the rest of his life lying here in blissful peace, he would.</p>
<p>But, the endorphin rush that came from good sex couldn't last forever and Hux soon had no choice but to face reality again. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Ben had covered him with a sheet, and the man himself was sitting at the end of the bed with his naked back to him.</p>
<p>Hux sat up and pulled the sheet up to his armpits. He had the distinct feeling that the next few minutes had the potential to destroy whatever understanding they'd come to since Ben arrived in his sleeper car that morning.</p>
<p>“You really don't have to tell me your story,” Ben said once again, “but I need to know what you're thinking, Hux. Why am I here, on this train with you? What do you want from me?”</p>
<p>Hux didn't answer immediately. He didn't think he could. His mind was never at its sharpest immediately following good sex and besides, how could he answer those questions for Ben when he couldn't answer them for himself?</p>
<p>Ben turned slightly. He still didn't look at Hux, but Hux could now see his face at least. “When you left LA after finishing your Masters to go back to New York, I would have gone with you if you'd asked.”</p>
<p>Ben's change of subject left Hux feeling dizzy. Didn't Ben want to know what Hux's intentions were right at this moment? Why was he bringing up eight years ago? Hux was just about to ask Ben to stick to one subject when the full weight of Ben's words finally sank into his head.</p>
<p>
  <i>Ben would have gone with him to New York.</i>
</p>
<p>There had been no major arguments that led to their relationship ending. No infidelity, no lying, no hurtful comments. They had made that mature decision to separate because they wanted different things from life.</p>
<p>The Hux that worked hard to obtain his Masters in Business and Management wanted to go to New York and make his name in the business world. He had a plan. He'd gain experience and contacts at his father's firm First Order, before branching out on his own and outperforming his father in every single way.</p>
<p>Ben had planned to stay in California and pursue his art. He wasn't cut out for the business districts of New York and neither was his creativity.</p>
<p>Hux had never considered staying in LA after completing his Masters and Ben had never considered going to New York.</p>
<p>At least, that was what Hux had always believed.</p>
<p>“You would have come to New York?” Hux repeated incredulously. “Why? Your family is in California. So were all of the art studios and collectives you were working with. What did New York offer you?”</p>
<p>“Listen to yourself, Hux. Did you honestly think that my family being in California was a reason for me to stay? I hated my family when I was at college. You knew that. I told you so many times that New York had a thriving art scene. I could have found my place there.” Ben paused before continuing. “And New York had you. That's what it offered me.”</p>
<p>Hux couldn't believe what he was hearing. Instead of spending eight miserable and lonely years in New York with nothing to show for it other than for a cat and a business he was now being sued over, he could have had Ben by his side?</p>
<p>“I didn't know you wanted to—“</p>
<p>“It doesn't matter anymore,” Ben interrupted. Hux supposed it didn't, but the world had never seemed as unfair as it did right at that moment. “What matters is why we're here now and where we're going.”</p>
<p>This was the perfect time to be completely honest, Hux knew. Ben had told his story and even admitted to feelings that were eight years old. The stage was set for Hux to explain the headline Ben had seen yesterday and admit why we'd reached out to Ben in the first place.</p>
<p>“We're here now because something is happening in New York. Something I did and needed to get away from,” Hux replied. He knew Ben deserved a better answer than that, but despite everything, he still couldn't bring himself to tell the full story. He didn't think he could admit that to anyone. “I reached out to you because— I texted you because I knew you wouldn't judge me and I hoped you'd respond.”</p>
<p>“You were right.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I was.”</p>
<p>Hux stared at the white sheet that covered his naked body. He'd never been so confused about being right before. He was glad that Ben was accepting of his non-explanation and need to keep secrets, but that just made the guilt of keeping them even stronger. Especially as Ben had been painfully honest with him.</p>
<p>It was Hux that put this train in motion. It was his text of '<i>RUN</i>' that started this journey. He was in control, then. Now, he most definitely wasn't. None of this was going how he expected it to and it scared him.</p>
<p>“Are you going back to New York?”</p>
<p>Hux sighed. That was the question, wasn't it? “I suppose I'll have to at some point. Even this train turns around and goes back to New York after arriving in LA.”</p>
<p>“So it's back to the same life you ran away from?”</p>
<p>There was a tone in Ben's voice that put Hux on edge. “I have things to take care of.”</p>
<p>Ben nodded before turning around to face Hux fully. Hux couldn't help but appreciate Ben's nakedness, one more time. “I'm not going back to my old life. I'll face the music of calling off the wedding—I owe Poe that much at least—but that's it.”</p>
<p>“You'll leave LA?”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Ben said with a shrug. “I can work from anywhere. Whatever I do, I won't live the same life as before. I enjoy my work but that's all I have. That's not what I want from life.”</p>
<p>Hux would like to say that he understood Ben's feelings, but he'd never enjoyed his work. Things had improved after his father died, but then Hux had looked through the company accounts and— He didn't want to think about that.</p>
<p>He was thirty-four years old and the only thing in his life that gave him any kind of enjoyment was a cat who cycled between short bouts of loving him and longer bouts of hating his existence. He had a nice apartment, expensive clothes, and a retirement plan most people his age could only dream about, but he hated every second of his life.</p>
<p>He knew he had to make some changes. He had made the first step two weeks ago when he'd bypassed the First Order board of directors and sold some contracts he had no right to sell, but did he have the courage to see the rest of the changes through?</p>
<p>He was starting to think he didn't.</p>
<p>Ben though, he was certain Ben did. Ben hadn't just left in the early hours of the morning without telling anyone other than his cat sitter as Hux had. He'd left a note and called off his wedding. Ben had burnt a bridge that he could never rebuild and Hux had no doubt that Ben would not even attempt to rebuild it.</p>
<p>Hux wished he had Ben's conviction.</p>
<p>Hux didn't realize that he'd fallen into his thoughts until the sound of Ben calling his name roused him from the pit inside his head he'd fallen into. “Hux, did you hear what I just said?”</p>
<p>“Probably not,” Hux admitted.</p>
<p>Ben's response was a smile that was as sad as it was fond. “I said that I would go with you to New York if you wanted me to. There. I actually said it this time instead of just hoping you'd ask me.”</p>
<p>Hux couldn't reply. He didn't have the words or the thoughts to process what Ben had just said to him. Was he really offering to move his entire life across the country just to be with Hux?</p>
<p>“We can go to New York until your problem is resolved—you don't even have to tell me what it is if you don't want to. Then we can stay there or go anywhere else.”</p>
<p>“Ben, I don't know what to—“</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” Ben smiled sheepishly as he stood up. “I'm asking too much, too soon, aren't I? I missed my chance eight years ago and I don't want to miss it again. Maybe I'm eight years too late, but I couldn't live with the regret of missing out twice.”</p>
<p>When Hux didn't reply, Ben started to get dressed. “You don't need to answer now. Just think about it, Hux. Think about why you wanted me on this train with you and think about everything we've said since the journey started. If you want me in your life going forward, I'll be there beside you whether that's in New York or anywhere else.”</p>
<p>Ben slipped on his boots, not even bothering to lace them up. “Think about what you want from life. If you're not happy with your life as it is, then change it. Stop running and decide what you want.</p>
<p>“When you're done thinking, I'll be waiting for you in the restaurant car.”</p>
<p>Then he was gone, leaving Hux with an empty room, an empty bed, and a million confused thoughts in his mind. Hux lay on his back, stared at the ceiling, and tried to begin unraveling the tangled ball of thoughts his mind had become.</p>
<p>What did Hux want from life? It was a question that Hux had no idea how to answer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Day 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was nearly 10 am by the time Ben sat down in the restaurant car. His mind was racing with a million thoughts, but as he didn't expect to see Hux again for a few hours at least he ordered breakfast and decided not to think about anything other than eating his egg bagels without either choking or spilling it all down his shirt.</p>
<p>He couldn't keep the thoughts at bay for long, though. When Ben had knocked on the door of Hux's sleeper car earlier that morning, he'd only had one goal in mind, and that was to be completely honest with Hux. He couldn't plan further than that because he had no idea how Hux would react to the news that five days ago, Ben had still been engaged to Poe Dameron.</p>
<p>Of course, Ben had considered various scenarios in his mind. Most of them involved Hux kicking him out and never speaking to him ever again. He wouldn't have blamed Hux for that. They'd had sex during their second day together on the train and Hux would never have agreed to that—drunk or not—if he thought Ben was already in a relationship with someone else. Hux didn't tolerate liars or cheaters.</p>
<p>But, Ben had been completely honest when he'd said that he'd broken off the engagement and that his heart had never really been Poe's. Even Poe seemed to understand it if the text messages he'd sent Ben were any indication.</p>
<p>Ben had contacted Poe last night, following the argument with Hux. He hadn't wanted everyone in his life to hate him, so he'd sent Poe a message to say that he was physically fine and sorry for any trouble he'd caused. Ben pulled his phone out of his bag and read Poe's reply one more time. It was so typically Poe that he couldn't help but smile.</p>
<p>
  <i>“glad ur ok!<br/>ur right about the wedding<br/>it wouldn't have worked<br/>we were kidding ourselves<br/>still having my bachelor party tho<br/>finns taking me to a strip joint :)<br/>do what you gotta do Ben<br/>im not angry with u but u should stay away from leia for now :)<br/>love u<br/>BB says hi”</i>
</p>
<p>Not for the first time, Ben wondered what he'd done to deserve someone as kind and supportive as Poe in his life.</p>
<p>That brought Ben's thoughts back to Hux. The last thing he'd expected was for Hux to welcome him with open arms and kiss him. Or that he'd get a chance to fuck Hux one more time. Ben tried not to focus too much on how it felt to have Hux in his arms again, to sink into his heat, and hear Hux call his name as he came over Ben's hand. His cock was starting to react to the vivid images in his mind and Ben took a few deep breaths and wished those images away.</p>
<p>He really was willing to go to New York with Hux. He'd been willing to do it eight years ago, and he was just as willing to do it now. Ben didn't believe in soulmates or fate, or any of that other bullshit Rose told him about while she tuned up his car, but if it was true then he knew that his one and only was Hux. He'd never met anyone that made his life so difficult, yet fulfilling as Hux did and knew he never would.</p>
<p>Ben had laid all of his cards on the table and now it was up to Hux to decide if he wanted to play his own hand, or walk away. Ben couldn't have done or said anything more—he just had to wait.</p>
<p>Ben had never been the most patient of men so he took his sketchpad out of his bag—flicking past the drawings of yesterday—and put pencil to paper on a blank page.</p>
<p>Despite the competing thoughts in his mind, Ben was able to distract himself for several hours. He hadn't begun drawing with a plan, so he was surprised to see that instead of a page of doodles, he had a perfectly realized plan for a bespoke house. He was even more surprised when he saw he'd drawn a bespoke house for himself. Maybe one day, he'd build it. And maybe one day, Hux would share it.</p>
<p><i>Hux</i>. Ben looked at his watch. It was 3 pm now. That was plenty of time for even someone as thorough as Hux to have considered what he wanted from life, wasn't it? Ben ordered a coffee and turned to another blank page in his sketchpad. This time he doodled with purpose, keeping one eye on the page and another on the door at the end of the restaurant car—the door Hux would have to walk through.</p>
<p>Ben doodled the bartender Ahsoka as she went about her work. He drew the family sitting two tables down, taking particular care to get the young girl's Darth Vader figure just right. He drew the restaurant car itself and added in extra shading when the darkness outside meant the atmospheric lights of the car had to be switched on. He even drew the steak he ordered for dinner, not caring that it went cold while he did so.</p>
<p>There was still no sign of Hux. Ben was starting to become worried now. The train made its last stop before LA in Flagstaff, Arizona—'The City of Seven Wonders'—and Ben kept his eyes fixed on the train platform. Only a few people got off the train and none of them were remotely Hux-shaped, so Ben was confident that Hux was still on the train—he just wasn't with Ben.</p>
<p>Ben toyed with the idea of knocking on Hux's door again but quickly decided against it. He had told Hux he'd give him space to think and would wait for him in the restaurant car. If he wanted Hux to trust him—which he did—then he had no choice but to wait. Besides, he knew Hux better than he knew himself. Trying to pressure Hux into making a decision when he wasn't ready to was the easiest way to get the wrong answer.</p>
<p>He watched as people came into the restaurant car, ate their dinner, and left. He continued to watch as more people came and ordered drinks from the bar, before retiring for the night. He even watched as Ahsoka flipped the 'open' sign on the restaurant car door to 'closed' and told him to help her clean or get out with everyone else.</p>
<p>She'd been so kind to him throughout the journey that Ben decided to help her. Cleaning the tables took his mind off the crushing disappointment that was building in his heart and Ahsoka's positivity was so honest and contagious that he couldn't help but smile at some of the train stories she told him as they worked.</p>
<p>With the two of them working hard, it didn't take long to clean the restaurant car and prepare it for the morning ahead. Ben tried not to think about it being the last morning on the train and instead wished Ahsoka “good night” with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.</p>
<p>It was 11 pm now, and there was still no sign of Hux. With the restaurant car out of commission for the evening, Ben had no choice but to find a seat in one of the passenger cars. He still refused to knock on Hux's door and instead chose a seat that faced the direction of the sleeper cars and prepared himself for a long night of waiting. If Hux came to see him, Ben would be waiting.</p>
<p>Day broke, and Ben was still waiting.</p>
<p>He headed back to the restaurant car. When he'd walked into the car yesterday, he'd been nervous but hopeful. Now, he was disappointed and dejected. A full twenty-four hours had passed since he'd left Hux alone in his sleeper car to think about his future—a future that Ben had hoped would include him. Ben was now facing the crushing realization that Hux's future didn't include him at all.</p>
<p>It was strange—a week ago, before he received the text message from Hux invoking a promise made eight years ago, Ben hadn't thought he'd ever see Hux again. He was preparing for a miserable life with a wonderful man he didn't love and Hux was nothing more than regrets and the one that got away. Now that he'd called off the wedding and had been teased by the possibility of a happy future that included Hux, he couldn't see his life happening any other way.</p>
<p>Ahsoka must have noticed Ben's bad mood as she had a pot of coffee on his table before he'd even ordered it. The restaurant car was too busy that morning for any kind of conversation with her and for that, Ben was grateful. He wouldn't be good company.</p>
<p>As the train hurtled ever closer to its final stop in LA, the restaurant car emptied and then finally closed. Just like she had the night before, Ahsoka allowed Ben to stay while she cleaned up but she didn't ask him to help this time.</p>
<p>Ben barely noticed what was happening around him. It wasn't until he heard the train driver announce that they would be arriving in LA in fifteen minutes and to ensure everyone had their belongings, that Ben rose from his stupor. He didn't have any belongings to gather up—everything was crammed into the duffle bag at his side—but he did take the time to rip a page out of his sketchpad and hand it to Ahsoka before leaving the restaurant car.</p>
<p>It was a sketch of her, working hard the night before, and he hoped it would go some way to showing his gratitude for the kindness she'd shown him.</p>
<p>Ben didn't bother finding a seat for the short ten minutes of the train ride that remained. Instead, he stood by one of the train doors that would be shortly opening to let passengers disembark in LA. He planned to be off the train as soon as possible so that he could be ready and waiting for Hux.</p>
<p>He needed to hear it. He needed to hear Hux say that they had no future together if he wanted to finally bury the dreams he had of them spending the rest of their lives together. That was part of the problem, he thought. They had said goodbye eight years ago, but while their agreement to run away together was still active, had it really been a true goodbye? For the last eight years there had been a link there and if Ben was to move on, he needed it to be completely severed.</p>
<p>Finally, the train arrived at Union Station. Ben slipped through the train door before it had fully opened and rushed down the platform until he was positioned directly outside the sleeper car he was certain was Hux's. If a career in architecture had taught Ben only one thing, it was how to easily recognize the layout of any building—or train—that he stepped into.</p>
<p>Hux was one of the last people to step off the train. Ben's heart lurched at the sight of him but he did take a little consolation from the fact that Hux looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Ben knew that he probably looked worse, but he could pull off the rough and ready look far better than Hux could. His facial scar was useful for that, at least.</p>
<p>Hux didn't notice Ben waiting for him at first, but it was obvious when he did. His tired green eyes grew wide and he dropped his suitcase, accidentally bouncing it off one of his loafer covered feet. Ben rushed forward and picked up Hux's suitcase before Hux had a chance to run away from him. If Hux wanted to run now, he'd do so without his personal effects.</p>
<p>In the few moments Ben had spent on the platform waiting for Hux to disembark, he'd told himself that he would play it cool. He'd ask Hux how he slept, or if he was hungry. Or maybe he'd inject some humor by welcoming Hux back to LA and asking if he wanted to see a Dodgers game. One thing he wouldn't do was confront Hux with the way he'd kept Ben waiting for the last twenty-six hours.</p>
<p>Ben had never been good at taking advice, even if it was his own. “I waited for you.”</p>
<p>Hux grimaced at the irritation in Ben's voice and glanced around the platform. “I'm not doing this here.”</p>
<p>The train staff were beginning to usher people off the platform, eager to prepare for whatever train would arrive next. Although Ben hated to admit that Hux was right about anything right now, he had to admit that Hux had a point.</p>
<p>“Fine.”</p>
<p>Ben—still tightly holding Hux's suitcase—led them off the platform and through the busy concourse at the center of Union Station. He didn't look back to ensure that Hux was following him because he knew he would. He had to if he wanted to get his suitcase back.</p>
<p>Eventually, Ben led them out of the station and into the bright Los Angeles sunshine. The rows of palm trees outside the station made Ben feel at home after five days on a train and he wondered how Hux felt when he looked at them. There weren't many palm trees in New York, after all.</p>
<p>He placed Hux's suitcase on the sidewalk and turned to face the other man, ready to start the conversation again. However, Hux jumped in first. “I'm sorry I kept you waiting.”</p>
<p>Ben hadn't expected an apology and it rendered him momentarily speechless. Hux wasn't the kind of person that apologized freely, he preferred to apologize by correcting mistakes and ensuring it didn't happen again.</p>
<p>“I thought about everything you said,” Hux continued, “and I'm going back to New York.”</p>
<p>Ben nodded. Truthfully, he'd expected as much. He didn't know what problems Hux had with his business, but he knew that Hux wouldn't run away from them for long. He took too much pride in his work and business acumen to simply create chaos and hide. No, these past five days had been so Hux could put some distance between himself and his problems and then devise a plan of action. He had always intended to go back to New York to implement that plan once he had it.</p>
<p>Ben still wasn't entirely sure where he fitted into all of this. He hadn't helped with the plan directly, but maybe he'd helped with Hux instead? Had he provided the distance and distraction Hux needed to clear his mind enough to devise the plan? He hoped that Hux would tell him.</p>
<p>“I have things to take care of. Lawsuits to fight. My name to clear.” Hux glanced back at the station and the noon sun caught his hair in a way that made it look like pure-spun gold.</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>Hux turned back to face Ben and Ben didn't like the steel in his eyes. “I'm going back alone. It was good to see you again, but—“ Hux shrugged his shoulders instead of finishing his sentence.</p>
<p>It was what Ben expected to hear after waiting for Hux so long, but that didn't make the words any easier to process. Hux really was rejecting him. After everything they'd said and done over the last five days on the train, after how Ben had bared his heart and soul, Hux was just going to walk away?</p>
<p>He expected it, but he couldn't believe it.</p>
<p>Hux picked up his suitcase. “Goodbye, Ben. I hope you have a happy life—you truly deserve one.”</p>
<p>Ben watched in silence as Hux turned on his heels and walked back into the train station, no doubt to buy a return ticket back to New York. Ben had watched enough movies to know that this was the point where the spurned lover makes one grand gesture. Surely he should be running after Hux, proclaiming his love and asking for another chance? Then he'd sweep Hux into his arms and kiss him while everyone in the train station applauded at the sight of true love winning the day again.</p>
<p>But Ben couldn't move. He couldn't find his voice, either. And he was pretty certain that if he tried any grand gestures like that, Hux would shank him.</p>
<p>Hux had made his decision, and Ben could do nothing but respect it. No matter how much it hurt.</p>
<p>Ben truly didn't believe in fate, but it had all felt so meant to be. Six days ago Ben had been at his lowest point for years—sat in his wedding suit with dressmakers pins sticking into him while feeling trapped into a life he didn't want. Just when he felt there was no way out, his phone vibrated. It wasn't just a message from Hux he received, it was a lifeline. A way out. Another chance to be happy that he probably didn't deserve.</p>
<p>Fate had thrown him a life preserver just as he was about to drown but had now pulled it away from him.</p>
<p>The palm trees that once made him feel at home now felt like mocking giants leaning over him. The sun was too bright and the warm breeze made him itch when it brushed against his skin. He didn't want to be in LA any longer—didn't want to be anywhere. He could feel the bruising anger and emptiness of years gone by start to rise in him again, just like it used to right before he did something dumb with the Knights of Ren. He hadn't felt that since his accident.</p>
<p>He wanted to go to a bar somewhere and drink until he didn't have a functional brain cell left. Just drink until the last five days on the train were nothing but a bad dream and Hux the demon that haunted it. Maybe he could find someone that was aching for a fight and distract himself with the adrenaline rush that came from fighting and the pain that came from losing.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” he muttered under his breath, startling the old gentleman that walked past him.</p>
<p>Those dark thoughts weren't him anymore. They had been in the months that followed his first split from Hux, but he wouldn't allow them to take over him now. He couldn't—he'd worked too hard to become a better person again. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, just like his therapist had taught him.</p>
<p>“Ben!”</p>
<p>His meditation was interrupted by Ahsoka. She had a suitcase handle in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. She smiled as she approached him but the smile quickly dropped to be replaced by an expression that looked more concerned. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“I'm fine,” Ben replied, his voice flat.</p>
<p>“It's that redhead, isn't it?”</p>
<p>Ben looked at her with wide eyes. Had she seen Hux walk away from him? “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>Now free of her suitcase handle, she put her hand on her waist and fixed Ben with a stare that clearly showed she didn't want to deal with his feigned ignorance. “Bartenders see all, you know. When you were in my restaurant car together I could see you were smitten with him. It looked like he felt the same, too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, you were wrong about him.”</p>
<p>She reached out and squeezed his upper arm. “I guessed something was wrong when you spent all of yesterday and this morning staring at the door of the restaurant car like a dog waiting for its master. But, I don't think I was wrong about Red.”</p>
<p>Ben sighed. He didn't want to discuss this, not with anyone and certainly not with a young bartender he barely knew. Ahsoka had been kind to him throughout the journey, but that didn't make her an expert on his love life.</p>
<p>“Some people are just scared,” she continued. “Scared to admit what they want and what they need. I think your boy is one of those people.”</p>
<p>That had been the old Hux, definitely. But this current Hux? Why would he be scared of admitting his feelings to Ben? Ben had made it as easy for him as he could. He'd bared his own soul first, given Hux space to consider his own feelings, and had made it clear that he was willing to accept Hux no matter what baggage he had. No, Hux's rejection hadn't been through fear. It had been honest.</p>
<p>When Ben didn't answer her, Ahsoka continued. “If you ever make the NY to LA train journey again, take the train that leaves every second and fourth Monday of the month and come say hello. I owe you a drink for that beautiful sketch you gave me.”</p>
<p>Ben knew he'd never take that train again. “You don't owe me anything.”</p>
<p>“I definitely do! Having you in the restaurant car to chat to made the journey fly by. You're always welcome in my restaurant car. Wait— I didn't mean that to sound as suggestive as it did.”</p>
<p>Despite the black mood that threatened to overtake him, Ben couldn't help but laugh at Ahsoka's poor choice of words. The old Ben never would have made a friend—no matter how temporary—out of someone as pure-hearted as Ahsoka. He couldn't lose that progress, no matter how depressed he felt.</p>
<p>“I should go before I make a bigger fool of myself,” Ahsoka said, still obviously embarrassed. “I have an AirBnB to check into. Whatever happens with Red, I hope you enjoy LA.”</p>
<p>They briefly hugged, and Ben watched as Ahsoka pulled up the handle of her suitcase once more and quickly took off across the street. He soon lost sight of her and was yet again standing outside Union Station on his own.</p>
<p>The darkness that had threatened to take hold and send him into the arms of the nearest bar had withdrawn slightly. Instead of being on overwhelming compulsion, it was now just a niggling thought at the back of his brain. The combination of Ahsoka's kindness and his own determination not to fall into bad habits had forced the demons back.</p>
<p>For now at least.</p>
<p>He knew he should call an Uber, head over to his apartment, and face the music of calling off his wedding. Maybe he'd go and see Poe first and apologize in person before braving his mother. Or Rey. He didn't know how Rey would take him running off for a week without telling her first. Either she would cry and hug him, or she'd punch him so hard he'd wake up in the hospital. Both options were equally possible, Ben thought.</p>
<p>He opened the Uber app on his phone and considered the options displayed. He really wanted to go home and stuff himself full of ice cream—diet be damned—until he felt more stable, but that was just daring the dark thoughts to take hold of him again.</p>
<p>He inputted Poe's address. Poe deserved answers and he knew he wouldn't slip into bad habits if he was with Poe. Ben might not love the man as a lover, but he had been a good friend before any relationship started and Ben had no doubt that Poe would become a good friend again. Ben was about to order a car when he felt a soft tap on his shoulder.</p>
<p>He turned around to see Hux glaring at him.</p>
<p>Hux looked ready to murder someone and Ben was certain that someone was him. He was too surprised at Hux's reappearance to care. He was certain that Hux would either be sat on a platform waiting to go back to New York by train or he would be on the first bus to LAX so he could fly back. Why was he standing in front of Ben? Ben had been certain he'd never see Hux again.</p>
<p>Hux didn't say anything. He sharply thrust his arm out in Ben's direction and although Hux had never been the kind to resort to physical violence—that was Ben's arena—he braced himself for a punch that never came. Hux wasn't trying to punch him at all; he had something in his hand that he wanted Ben to see.</p>
<p>Ben's brow furrowed in confusion as he leaned down slightly to see what Hux was holding out to him. Clenched tightly in Hux's right hand was a piece of paper. A train ticket. One that said it was for New York if Ben was reading it correctly.</p>
<p>Hux didn't care one way or the other about most people he met, but the people who crossed him soon regretted it. When he wanted to be, Hux could be the most spiteful and vindictive person you'd ever meet. But this was cruel, even for Hux. Coming back just to shove his ticket back to New York—and away from Ben—in Ben's face was a new low.</p>
<p>“I already know you're going back to New York, you don't need to wave your ticket in my face.”</p>
<p>Hux used his thumb to swipe the ticket to one side and reveal that he was holding another piece of paper. “I have two tickets.”</p>
<p>“Going on a vacation first?”</p>
<p>Hux looked even angrier now. His cheeks flushed red and he looked at Ben like he'd grown two heads. “They're both for New York.”</p>
<p>That didn't make any sense, Ben thought. “Why do you have two tickets to New York?”</p>
<p>“You're a fucking—“ Hux paused, took a deep breath, and pinched his nose like he always did when he had a headache coming. “I have two tickets to New York because one of them is for you. Although, I'm seriously starting to reconsider my life choices.”</p>
<p>Ben scrutinized the tickets more closely and unless his eyes were deceiving him—highly likely considering how little he'd slept during the five-day train ride—they really were two individual tickets for the same train back to New York. Ben felt like he had emotional whiplash from trying to keep up with what was happening.</p>
<p>“But fifteen minutes ago you told me you were going back to New York alone.” Ben paused for a few seconds and he hated how soft his voice sounded when he spoke again. “You said goodbye to me.”</p>
<p>Hux couldn't hold his gaze. Instead, Hux looked down at the two tickets he had gripped in his hand so tightly that the paper was starting to crease under the force of his grip. Ben didn't know how to categorize the look on Hux's face because he didn't think he'd ever seen it before—not even eight years ago, when he thought he'd seen every aspect of Hux there was.</p>
<p>There was remorse there, Ben thought. A hint of sadness, maybe. But there was still annoyance present in the harsh set of Hux's jaw, only this time, Ben thought Hux was annoyed with himself more so than Ben.</p>
<p>“When I went to the ticket window, I did so with every intention of only buying one and never seeing you again. Only, I couldn't ask for one ticket. I could only ask for two.”</p>
<p>“So it was a mistake?”</p>
<p>A part of Ben knew what Hux was hinting at but not quite saying. However, a larger part of him couldn't believe that was true. The last few days had been the wildest roller coaster he'd ever ridden, and he felt like he was slowly inching up the last, big incline. The apex was in reach and his stomach flipped somersaults as he still thought that flying off the tracks was a more likely ending than safely finishing the ride.</p>
<p>“Are you being deliberately obtuse or is this ignorance genuine?” Hux snapped, his frustration overcoming any embarrassment and remorse he felt. Before Ben could answer, he continued. “I bought two tickets because I want you to come to New York. With me. I couldn't leave you behind for a second time. I didn't want to— I don't want to face a future without you.”</p>
<p>Finally. Hux had said it. The dark cloud that threatened to overwhelm Ben earlier quickly withdrew until it was just a fading memory. Ben knew he was smiling and that it was probably the dorkiest smile to ever grace his lips, but he tried not to get carried away with what Hux had just said.</p>
<p>Hux was standing before him now, train tickets for both of them in hand, and asking Ben to share a future together. But fifteen minutes ago, he'd walked away and said goodbye to Ben forever. That wasn't easily forgotten.</p>
<p>“What's changed?” he asked. “How do I know you won't change your mind again?”</p>
<p>The look that passed over Hux's face this time was easy to categorize. It was embarrassment—a pure and simple bout of shyness and shame that Ben found horribly endearing.</p>
<p>“I was wrong,” Hux said simply, before explaining further. “I thought that I could handle my problems on my own and then I realized that I didn't want to. It's always been you, Ben. Why else would I have kept your phone number all of these years?”</p>
<p>This time, Ben let himself get carried away.</p>
<p>He stepped forward, gently cradled Hux's head in his hands, and kissed him. Ben didn't care who was watching and from the way Hux immediately wrapped his arms around Ben and kissed back, he assumed that Hux didn't care either. Hux still had the train tickets in his hand and they awkwardly scratched against Ben's neck but Ben didn't care about that either. Let them scratch him—they were a reminder that Hux had chosen him.</p>
<p>Ben broke the kiss but he didn't break the embrace. He didn't think Hux would have let him if he'd tried. “Whatever's happening in New York, I'll—“</p>
<p>“I purposely bankrupted the company,” Hux said suddenly. Ben couldn't see his face from this angle but he heard the shake in Hux's voice regardless. “Sold contracts and assets for pennies without the permission of the board. There's nothing left but a ruined brand name and an office building we have to vacate by the end of the month.”</p>
<p>Ben knew that Hux had always had complicated feelings towards his father's company. He hated it because it was his father's, but it was also his inheritance and a means to earn some money before cutting ties with Brendol for good. The last thing he expected to hear was that Hux had tanked the company deliberately, especially as it was now completely his.</p>
<p>“Why?” There was no judgment in Ben's voice, just an honest question.</p>
<p>“I knew that my father had—“ Hux paused, “bent some rules to make the First Order the success it was. That's what successful businesses do. I didn't know that he'd bribed every senator in the state to get lucrative contracts. Or that he'd paid off the chief of police to look the other way while he broke the law.</p>
<p>“Father got away with everything while he was alive, but I refuse to let him get away with it while he's dead. Or take me down with him.”</p>
<p>Ben thought back to the headline he'd read a couple of days earlier. “Why are the stakeholders blaming you for everything?”</p>
<p>“Because they're as crooked as Brendol. That's why I stripped the company of its assets for nickels and dimes behind their back—I didn't want them to have any chance to safeguard the money they had in the company. I wanted them to lose it all.</p>
<p>“I'd just received paperwork for a class-action lawsuit from the old bastards when I texted you. I simply put it in my suitcase and got ready to leave. I expected the lawsuit, but needed some time to clear my mind before moving forward.”</p>
<p>This time, Ben did step back and Hux allowed it. Ben took hold of the hand that still held the two train tickets and held it in his own. “Is your mind clear now?”</p>
<p>“Thanks to you, yes.” Hux smiled and Ben was certain that it was brighter than any LA sun ever could be. “I have the evidence and I'm ready to fight.”</p>
<p>Ben was pleased to see that the fire and determination that had drawn him to Hux in the first place was starting to show itself again. “I'll help in any way I can. If you need the help of a senator—“</p>
<p>Hux laughed. “I doubt your mother would help me.”</p>
<p>“Snoke is a senator in New York, isn't he?” Ben asked. When Hux nodded to confirm he was, Ben grinned. “If he accepted bribes and you have proof of that, she'll help. She hates that creepy old bastard more than she ever hated you.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Hux mused. He seemed pleased with the idea of having a senator behind him. “I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's wait until we get back to New York. I booked tickets for the next train that had sleeper car vacancies but it doesn't leave for another two days.”</p>
<p>Ben took the train tickets from Hux's hand and slid them into his jeans pocket. This time when he kissed Hux, the only thing scratching his neck was Hux's blunt fingernails. “Does that mean we have two days in LA together first?”</p>
<p>“We do. You can take me down memory lane and show me some of our old haunts or,” Hux leaned forward, his lips only millimeters away from Ben's ear, “you could show me your apartment.”</p>
<p>“Let's go back to my apartment,” Ben quickly agreed, much to Hux's amusement if his bark of laughter was any indication.</p>
<p>Ben pulled out his cell phone to order an Uber and saw that the app was still open and waiting for Poe's address to be confirmed as his destination. His thumb hovered over the delete button but he couldn't do it. Poe really did deserve an explanation.</p>
<p>“I need to speak to Poe first,” Ben said softly. “It's over between us and he knows that, but he deserves a face-to-face explanation. You don't have to come. I can drop you off at my apartment first.”</p>
<p>Hux shook his head and this time, it was him that clasped his hands around one of Ben's. “If you're going to face New York with me, then I should face LA with you.”</p>
<p>Ben knew it wouldn't be easy. They had eight years to catch up on, an ex-fiancé to talk to, and lawsuits to win. But as they stood there, hand-in-hand in the city they'd first met and fell in love with, Ben knew they had a chance.</p>
<p>“Together?” Ben asked.</p>
<p>“Together,” Hux confirmed.</p>
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